Strange Xmas

These Xmas have been strange. To be honest I want these holidays to just go away.
Everything that I had planned for, was ruined and on top of that we spent the holidays in the hospital. Terrible. I know some people have more problems than the ones me and my family have, but you know, when things happen to you, you don't really think about the "worse cases".
I ve learnt a couple of things these past few days:
1. Family is really important. But I felt trapped in it.
2. I need to "grow up" and stop counting on my parents. They ,now, need to count on me.
3. "Hoping" isn't always a good thing. Hoping that your life will change is not always good. Cause it might not change. So it's better to deal with the things you have right now that "hoping".
4. Real friends are the ones who don't magically disappear when you, for some reason, do.
5. Just when you lose hope in finding your place in this earth, somethings (small things) make you start believing again. Even if these things don't give you the solution you want.
6. There isn't a solution for anything. Just means to get by a bit each time.
7. Falling in love is difficult, I guess. I am a difficult person.
8. It's good not to think of the past in terms of "It was better back then", because back then I wasn't 100% happy either.
9. I love my 6 month old scar in the hand, it's alive and it's mine.
10. I really do need to fall in love. I have missed intense feelings.

too tired

I ve been away on a trip these past days. When I got back on Sunday, I felt detouched from my life here. Not that I felt that I belonged to that other country I had been.
My life these past two years, has been strange. Ackward things happened, like losing some friends, fighting with them, fighting to keep alive some other relationships, struggling to be happy.
And on Sunday I just felt that I am too tired to struggle just to have some moments of happiness. I am not sure if this is a pessimistic attitude. But I am really tired of waking up everymorning and knowing that I really don't have the life that I want to.
Everytime when I wake up in the morning, I see the empty side next to me. Wouldn't it be nice if there was someone to wake up next to? It's been so long since I really wanted or had someone that I feel that I lost the ability to communicate and to love.
Is it pathetic? I still can't answer that. I don't even know whether this is a form of depression or laziness...
too tired...

The Beatles said...

I became a Beatles' fan when I was 20. It was then, that I could read between the lines. My all time favourite song of theirs was "Get Together" (so sexy). Some years ago I had to help my sister who was studying music on her essay on "Eleanor Rigby", one of Beatles' least know songs.

I immediately felt a connection to it. I was only 23 and I already feared of loneliness.

Today I bought the latest collection of their songs called "Love". This is also the name of the latest performance by Cirque du Soleil, in Las Vegas.

Anyways, as I am listening to it now, I remembered again, that time when I was reading for Eleanor Rigby. Do you remember the lyrics? Here's how they went:

"Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been,

Lives in a dream.

Waits at the window, wearing a face she keeps in a jar by the door,

Who is it for?All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear,

No-one comes near

Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there,

What does he care?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name.

Nobody came.

Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave.

No-one was saved.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

I don't like loneliness. These days, however, even when I'm around people I feel so lonely. I don't dare admiting it to anyone. I don't think they'll understand. Even if they do, they won't admit it.

But do you know what the worst part is? Feeling lonely because it's the best you can feel.

My not so important life

My Life. It ain't at its best right now. Things are happening.Things that do not concern me. Things that are "supposed" to be part of me. But they are not. Because, I am not me these days.

My Life. It's not important. Not to anyone. Not to me. It's not important enough, to discuss it with people. That's why I am creating this space. To be able to express myself, without having to explain why. Without having to give a damn of any opinions. Who needs opinions when as I grow older, I know that not even mine opinions on my life, really count?

My Life. It will be mine, when I start seeing it, really seeing it.