28 February 2007

Honestly

I have been away for days now. Been isolated from all. But was not panicked as other times.
I needed the time to look into the details of my life. I sent away all the things and the people who distract me from this process.
Have I found out about me? About my needs and all the things I want to do, to be?
Hmm...not yet. I think it will be a long journey. But now I am prepared for it.
I find my self in a mood to take things at my own pace. Cannot go any faster and cannot go any slower.
During this process I know that I will face my demons, I know I will cry and I know that I will not want to exist anymore....familiar feelings. So familiar, I am not afraid of them anymore.
Honestly.

04 February 2007

Hate my job

My boredom hasn't left me. Not, that I have done anything to stop it...
I am going through the phase "Really don't give a f*** about anything or anyone".
On Friday boss called me in and practically humilated me in front of everybody saying about me going to work, late in the mornings. I did not say a single word. I guess he was right. But even if he wasn't I still wouldn't open by mouth to defend myself. I do go late to work, cause as I wake up I keep thinking that it's going to be another day of me doing nothing from the things I like. NOTHING.
Later on, this friend of mine, and one of the bosses there, asked me what was wrong and why I was in a bad mood. "Is it your work? You don't like it". I nodded, yes, I did not like it and I felt that I wasn't good at it. And of course, cause she is clever and she knows me pretty well, she must have guessed that another reason was my thoughts on "Am-I-Right-for-this-work" thing. Ok, so it's better than the previous ones in many aspects. Can't complain about that. On the other hand, to be really the best at this job you have to be constatly in a good, even "hyper" mood. And I am not! Rarely, these past few years. So I am not fit for this field I guess.
But job is not my only problem these days. Anyway, in another post the other ones. Got to go and write these "happy" articles... HELP!