What is my path?

So, the guy magically disappeared...well, I had my part in it, but I am sure if things were working between us, he would make an effort, or for that matter, I would.
Anyways, no harm done if you ask me. Suddenly I realised that I had compromised too much in that situation. But as always, at the end I snapped out of it and did what I thought was right for me.
So what is right when it comes to your life?
I mean, how do you know that the things you decide NOW will be good for you LATER?
Or, what if the decisions you make now, will be bad and you ll end up miserable?
I am not sure how this thing works. However, during the past couple of weeks, I 've been thinking and regreting about the things I did not do, the moments that I was a coward.
I am not even sure if these thoughts are a result of my current - not the most positive- state of mind or just the plain facts.
And on top of that, I am still wondering....I am old enough to know what I want. But I don't.
Aren't I suppose to have chosen by now a path? Or even take risks?
The last time I took a risk was a few years back when I decided to change jobs and my whole career path. But since then I have been such a coward, not taking risks, not choosing.
And it's so frustrating!!

I think I am wrong

My love life sucks. And I am not overstating. It does.
1.I am pretending to be something I am not i.e a totally straight woman.
2. I met this guy, who is funny, clever, intellectual BUT I cannot imagine myself kissing him
3. I am such a coward that I know at the end of the day (of my life) I am going to regret not following my heart.
4. I am not even sure whether to go on with the guy or just ditch him. I cannot even have an opinion on the matter. Such a coward!
5. I have a high sex drive, but since I am not so much into guys, although I pretend to be, high libido is a curse!
6. Coward coward coward!

Here comes the sun baby....

Remember this song by Nina Simone?


This is how I feel this day. Today I let the sun burn my skin just a bit.
I opened my car window and let the fresh air and the flower scents come into my world.
And the sun was there, welcoming me, giving me the much needed light and energy.
Thank you!

I was kinda low this weekend. On a scale of ten I would rate my mood a two. Yes, only a two.
I went out, met with friends, went to the cinema but still...

I "tried" to be alone at my home, on Sunday, all by myself. I need it this period.
It helps me to accept me. Or, rather it helps me "find" who I really am.
And although sometimes, I cannot stand being alone in my empty apartment, I think that's a stage that I need to go through.

I guess I haven't been loving me enough during the last couple of years.
And although I did lots of things like reading many books, watching a lot of movies, going to art galleries, traveling, educating my self in other words I still did not teach myself how to be,
just be.

So this is my task for this spring ( and summer)....

...with a little help from the sun!