30 July 2008

I want....?

I was thinking the other day. The last ten or so posts, were about her.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..

So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.

P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.

21 July 2008

Imagine

I never ever expected that this beautiful creature that came into my life, last summer, would cause me now, such pain.
I don't know whether it's her fault or me being too sensitive. But it's like, last year never happened. The moments in bed making love, listening to music, looking each other in the eyes....did all this happen?
You know, I am trying to get better. To leave her out my life. She is still here. She tries to be care-free when she talks to me. On the other hand, I am trying to see her side. She says it's hard for her too. But that doesn't stop me from getting angry from some of her sms. Last night she sent "Now that you are gone, I will have to get a pet". I was so mad at her. It wasn't my choice to leave. She made me leave, by her not responding sexually. Having said nothing, I am sure we would still be together. As what? Probably as an "imaginary couple". Who am I kidding...?

So now, you might wonder "why are you still unhappy since you know that this wasn't going anywhere?". Well, I miss having a partner.

I was just thinking. I am not in the mood of doing anything with anyone. Not that I like someone. I am not even sure whether I like men or women. Plus she is still around ( are 3 months after a 9 month relationship, the normal amount of time you need to forget?).
But I only thought. I would be -that will be a miracle- with a guy if he was nothing like the usual I know, if he was serious but with a sense of humor, sensitive but powerful, cute but "manly", clever but not "smart ass".
I then would be with a woman, if she was something out of this world i.e Angelina Jolie ( ok laugh lol).
Anyway...as you can see, I am still in a still mood...

16 July 2008

Still Life

This is the summer of hell. Although I meet my friends, do thinks, have a good time at the beach every week still....she is around!
How did things end up like that? Why does she insist on us being friends after breaking up?
Doesn't she get it? Well she is no stupid. Of course her point of view is that when two women with no previous similar experiences, break up, it's only natural to go on and become friends.
I won't argue. But for me apparently, this isn't working. It's been almost 3 months since telling her to break up and I still have intense feelings. This must mean something.
Anyway, last night there was this huge row. I ended up yelling at her. And today I don't want to talk to her for a long long time.
Why is this happening to me? Don't I deserve to be happy?
My therapist two days ago asked me, what would make me happy.
I don't have the slightest idea.
I told her I am not happy in my country, I feel as there is no challenge. Which is true.
All is the same and honestly I don't have the strenght to find new people with interests as to find something stimulating.
And she turned and said "Why don't you leave then? 30 is not too late".
Was she serious?
This must mean something...