New!

I 'm back - God, it's dusty in here :).

I was trying to find my password, as I wanted to delete this blog. I kept reading and reading what I had written from 2006-2008 and it sounded so old and , well....nothing to do with me.

So I managed to find my password, logged on and then tried to find the button that said DELETE THIS BLOG. But instead I went into the comments section. There were some comments, posted right after I stopped blogging so I have never read them, and some other ones that maybe I was too into my own thoughts to even try and respond.

And then it occured to me...why not start writing again?

I mean, there are some thing in this blog, that I will never ever discuss with anybody - and they are the truth, they are part of me.

So here I am , March 2011 - almost three years after.

Let's sit down and have a coffee...

Dilemma

Life has been all about work the last couple of weeks. You cannot imagine how much. Anyway. I cannot complain, there also two trips in the meantime. One for work and one for pleasure.It was nice, changing the scenery.
You know, I have been too concerned over her, and her health. Apparently she as a tumor in her breast. So sad. I wishI was there for her. I cannot, but feel guilty. I am not there, not even as a friend. My need to stay away to find myself, means refusing to be there for her. I don't know if and how wrong I am. I feel bad.
She calls. She still wants us to be friends, she stills says that being together is unhealthy because there was no sex. She is right. I cannot see that though. Nothing has changed for me. I still have feelings. I told her that, 1 hour ago when she called. She did not comment, she only said that she thinks of me and there are things that only make sense if she tells them to me.
So you know...There is nothing I can do, I think. Not even try to be with her. And she is ill. I cannot pressure anymore. On the other hand, I can't be there for her, the way she wants me.
Why do i have the feeling that I am not thinking correctly? Maybe I should be there. Am I that strong?

Doors opening?

The weekend was sweet.

Met up with friends, went out for dinner AND clubbing, an open-air one. Also slept a lot, worked quit a bit, drunk too much coffee, thought a lot as always and wanted to have more free time to see my friends.

You know , this period , when a relationship is over and you go over a "hurting" period, is quite interesting. You realise that you've progressed as a person but don;t know how. Yet you see how different your life is now.

I am sure that I am in a better position than let's say 2 years ago.At least now I can see my issues. Not that I am happy, thinking about them, but it's a start.

It took too much pain to see that, I have been distancing people my whole life. So now, I am trying to let more people in. I am not very good at. But I am more relaxed about it. Which counts for something, right?

Too frustrated

In the past ten days she sms'ed me several times. When she saw that I wasn't going to become soft on her, she started saying the worst things to me. She told me that I am unable to love, that she was dissappointed with me and that there's nothing left for her to feel for me. Right.
And today she contacted me to tell me she's ill. Ok, this is emotional blackmail. I cannot see it otherwise. If she has problems, she should share them with her friends. Not me. She knows I care and she was very suprised when I declined her proposal for dinner. The last message, I received half an hour ago was " There is no room for cold hearted people in my life". You know something?
I 've started to realise that she doesn't care about me, that she uses things to come closer. What for? I have no idea. When I asked her what she felt for me , her only reply was " Is dissapointment a feeling? This is what I feel".
I honestly hope, she won't contact me again. I ran out of strenght, patience, space, everything. I am tired of trying to get over her.
I am tired of torturing me and this blog with things about her.
I want true love in my life. Not self-centred people.

A beautiful night and a feeling of emptiness ( in that order)

Last weekend was almost great. Went to this event, the music was excellent, the view of the sea breath taking and there was a lot of drink.
I felt nice. I flirted with the Dj, his friend and of course, that woman, that there is flirting for the past 4 years ( and nothing more).
So I wrote about it on my other blog.
And she ( you know who) must have read it cause half an hour later she smsed me "Hey, when are you going to talk to me again? I miss you".
Of course, why whould I reply? I mean it's pointless.
What I want does not give it and what she wants I cannot give back. So what's they point.
And I was thinking...you know I would want a person, if they wanted me, to make the effort. To write a big email, to come under my place and wait to talk to me. You know, a grand gesture.
She won't do it, I know. But you know... it would be nice if things were different and if there was passion in my life.
I feel empty...and if my emptiness had a shape , it would be a triangle. Sharp on the edges...

Friends? Well.....not much

The past few days all I do is work. Only.
I don't go out, I don't see people. I just work and then lie on my couch and watch TV. And that's it.
To be honest I started to panick a bit. Am I anti-social?
I feel OBLIGED to call my friends because I am thinking that if I don't do it, they will forget me and I will be left with no people around me. What worries me though, is the "obligation", because otherwise I don't really miss them.
Ok, so this is not normal right? Not missing any of my friends. Or not missing seeing them. Honestly, I am bored. Phew....now I said it. I feel bored with my friends.
I don't want to see them often e.g have a best friend and be on the phone all day with him/her and meet all the time. No, I 'd like to keep my distance.
And since I am being honest, I have to tell you that sometimes I think that I have nothing more to discuss. With none of them. They are interesting people of course, each one with different identity.
Am I going through a crisis? ( I guess)
Is it me who has the problem? ( probably)
Same old? ( certainly)

And I really do dread the weekends - arrange to go out for drinks, meet up people, not cancel it etc. Most of all I dread my non-desire to meet up with my friends.

This is the first post in a long time that is not referred to her. I think of her. She called, I did not answer. Today I woke up and felt as if she never existed....:(

Choose?

One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.

Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!