Still waiting

Last week, I went on a trip and I disappeared from her life. I didn't answer the phone and I did not reply to her sms. "Part of a strategy" my friends were telling me thinking I was dating a guy. I listened to them but I was wondering if they knew she was a woman....would their advice change?

Anyway, I did not contact her, I was feeling confused.

I came back, we  met for dinner 2 days after. She was talkative, I wasn't, she has hugging me and I wasn't hugging back. One or two times she tried to kiss me, but I turned my head so she kissed the cheek. Not that if she kissed me on the lips anything more would happen. She still "can't function sexually with anyone", Yes! The exact woman who was all over me during last summer. That person , the one I was grateful that I was receiving so much love from. She is like an iceberg. The only think she does is hug and saying " Yes of course I am in love but I don't see you sexually". Talking about paranoid...

Two nights ago she stayed at my place cause she was too tired to go back to hers. We are 'friends' now. She slept in my bed, asking me if I was really ok with it.  I was. I missed her.

Ww lied on the bed and....

NOTHING! on on the one side of the bed and the other on the far end. For a whole night. Although she did say the day aterwards that she was waking up in the middle of the night and was finding herself sleeping all over me. 

We woke up in the morning, as usual, as if nothing had happened. She got dressed , had breakfast and left. Oh and kissed me on the lips. Just a simple kiss

And now I am like "Fuck, still stuck on her". I want to be with her, even when she says she can't imagine sex wit me. Am I that idiot??

Don't I realise that I deserve more?

Well....if I behave logically I would say " oh come on forget it and get on with your life woman. Find a nice man, fall in love with him, have sex all the time without wondering if he wants you". It would save me a lot of tears and questions.

But then it's me....I do miss her, I built up my dreams according to hers and yes, I did imagine this to last.

But the truth is...she doesn't know what she wants from me. (or does she and I choose not to see it? - well, she is in my life, she wants to be part of it. But on the other hand she is not like she used ot, all over me).

The important questions is...Why do I insist on WASTING my time?

Is it waste?

Is it love or habit?

I don't know.

I am still confused and I can't do anything else but wait.

For what? For things to get clarified on their own. Because I really can't do it on my own.

Waiting...

I went to the therapist today. Told her I am confused because I don't know why I keep insisting to get back with my ex ( first time i am writing it). Do I really want her back? Do I just miss the companion? Shall I start seeing guys? And why am I insisting on something that will have an end for sure? After some months, maybe a year. And then I will be almost 32 and panicked that I haven't gotten serious with a guy.

She asked me if I considered starting dating guys. No, I really don't want to. My heart, body and soul are all set to the the ex.

The funny thing is I don't know why. The ex doesn't know what she wants from me, I keep asking her, she never answers. She does not want to leave my life and yesterday she said "Yes I am still in love and yes there are moments where I don't see you as a friend". And she keeps me hanging on ( as the song says). 

So where does that leave me? In waiting.

But the question is : Is it worth it? And what do I really need?

Too many questions, none is answered.

I am too confused to find these answers. 

I leave this to Time. It's his/her job to show me the way. 

I cannot do it. Not by myself and not now.

The Dead End....the birth of a new beginning?

So I split up. After, what 9 months? It was no suprise. Things were over a long time ago, I just chose not to see it. Maybe she didn't either. Maybe this comfort zone suited her. I don't know if I tried to fix things, would help. I really believe there is no future in this relationship. She doesn't want to try, I want to be happy. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe two women, with no experience in such a relationship, aren't meant to be together.
I try not to talk to her. She calls me on job matters and sometimes sends sms for irrelavant things. But she only wants to be friends now. She believes that it's that easy.
Well, for me it's not. I still have feelings. I still care. I still miss "us".
So I keep away from her. Because there's not going to be another try. I can feel it. She is like a wall, no bending.
I feel that I 've neglected my needs in this relationship. I did not handle it well. I let go of myself and was there only for her. Big mistake.Noted, for next time.
When will it be? Well I don't know. Definitely not soon.
I have work to do. To find myself.

Single again

I haven't written in a long time. I read my last post and I realise that I have been having a hard time, for 3 months now. Do you think it's normal to have the perfect time and be in love with someone for 2 months and the same portion, filled with sorrow? I dont' think it is.
I broke up two days ago. For the third time. But now I am sure that there is no turning back. She doesn't want me as a lover, only as a friend. I guess she likes me as a person. Only.
Do I mind? Well yes...I fell for her. Although she claims she fell in love with me, I can't help but wonder, whether this was love or just a deep connection. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
The point is that in a relationship we are all entitled in having all our needs fullfilled, emotional and physical. I felt for a long time ( God, things were dying for a long time - how did I not see it?), that this was a "half" relationship. I was ready for it, she wasn't.
In fact I was ready to commit, to love, and to dedicate myself to one person. Something that until 6 months ago, I was sure I couldn't, I thought it wasn't who I was meant to be.
But now I now...I can do it.
Maybe this is the best thing that came out of this whole 5 month story.
My friends tell me it's a great achievement and at the end of the day I am the winner.
Probably they are right.
But at the moment I am so emotionally hurt that I cannot even think about it. My only thought is that I am too tired of being single. Really.

Time for change?

Change. A word that I have been afraid my whole life. The funny thing is though that my life has been most about changes. Never did what girls at my age did when I was younger and now I never do what women of my age normally do. I just do my things. Which are MY things. And I wouldn't mind to keep being the black sheep, but I noticed that in the last couple of years I did not do any important changes. Of course some people who know me would say that changing jobs, falling in love, making many new friends ( most of them acquaintances), living on my own have been more than just "changes". But I don't feel this way.

I feel that now I have more insecurities than ever. I cannot stand being alone anymore, even if that means staying at home 1-2 nights during the week. I just can't. And now I am with somebody it's even worse. I feel sooo insecure. We are not always together. I guess having this kind of relationship where most people don't know about it's kind of difficult.

So I need to change. I need to be stronger and able to stay positive more than just half an hour. Because otherwise I won't stand me. I need to change and become more optimistic.

So my first change is stick to my training and losing weight program. Not for health reasons etc. I am thinking that when I feel good about my body I will automatically start feeling good about my inside too. So I try. Really hard. I need this change. I need to start from here, the exterior of me. And then I will see. I just hope it won't be too late.

Until the end of September...

...I will wait until it ends.
They keep telling that September is the start of new things, the beginning of the new year and that we should program our daily lives.
So I was forced to "forget" my best summer moments ever ( yes I had a beautiful summer full of love, friends, swimming, lots of sun and great moments) and be part of the daily life.
So I programmed my life once again. I started the gym, a new work project, I went shopping to see the new season fashion. And I tried to fit my love into my daily life.
Boy, that was difficult!
Maybe I am not good in adjusting, maybe I am. Well the thing is that this whole programming thing is yet to begin. People are in a strange mood ( I guess trying to adjust as well).
We organise our nights out but not very good. I plan in my head dinners for friends and for people to meet my new love. But plans stay in my head! Oh I need to find a way to organise me.

I feel a strange pressure to "grow up". I am not a grown up! and I turned 30!
Ohhhh those summer moments!

summer moments

yes!