The last sms ( I hope)

"I quit. Don't you ever dare try to contact me again". An a sms at 1am last night.
I haven't written for more than a week. There was nothing important going on. There was also a trip so I was away.
So she never stayed out of my life as I requested. But the fault was mine. Not only did I let her in, I was hoping that in a magical way she would change and we would be happy together again. As if!
She came with me, to my trip to see some friends of hers. She knew I had a schedule, but she insisted on seeing me. I was intrigued by this attitute...would it be possible that she wanted us to be together again? I was troubled but at the same time I was hoping that she was going to come back to me. I was trying the whole time to touch her, to hug, to kiss....I am so used to this trying...these past months have only being this. It's horrible believe me.
One night we were at a club. She said something about a guy, I asked if she would hit on him if I wasn't there. She laughed and said " of course not, we are together". What? I turned smiling. She smiled back with this wicked way. She corrected her self " Well, that slipped out of my mouth but subconcsciously we are together". Oh I got so pissed! What do you mean subconsciously?? oh come on! I stayed away from her for half an hour. I couln't believe my ears. She was playing with me again. And not only did she do that, but she got mad at me for being angry. And as a fool I tried to calm her down.
So you see...this wasn't a moment I will be proud of. And many others.
Last night we went to this concert. With her best friend. I was very ok with this whole situation. But then I was noticing she was more with her than with me. Oh well....
We went out, she was walking in front of me with her friend. And I was left behind. God...was this happening to me? She took me first to my place, her friend second. She didn't even try to take me home last so she would see me a bit, or even come up.
So I smsed her "you could've tried to take me home last. I just quit trying with you".
Her reply ? " I am tired of your self centred love"!
Self centred? Not wanting to be a number 2 for a person I have as my number 1? For a person that keeps teasing and encouraging me with her words that there is a thing going between us?
So I sent the sms...
She never replied back.
I hope she keeps it that way. Because I don't need this in my life.
I deserve more. I deserve love , respect and happiness.

How do you end something?

Yesterday morning, I woke up looked myself in the mirror and thought "I really do deserve something better than that. Something with passion with someone who will want me for everything I am". It felt good. I even smiled you know.
And I was really ok and happy during the day. I was thinking of her but I was certain that I didn't want anything more from her.
But then something happened. She smsed me asking me to meet and talk about us. I didn't reply at once and ten minutes later she wrote again "nevermind, sorry". She didn't give me the chance to reply. Was that another tactic of causing me guilt? 2 hours later another sms "fancy dinner on the porch with wine and nice music". I called and said that I already had plans. I really did have plans. She didn't say much, she sounded bit sad. I was thinking of her. I really didn't want to go back to something that caused me more pain tha joy from October onwards.
This morning I wrote her that I did not disappearn on purpose and if she really did want to meet. Said she had things to do today. So I replied "Look, i said all I had to say. It's you that wants to talk. When you want, you will find time to talk to me even on the phone".
I think I was fair.
But to be honest....I don't want to see her. It brings back memories. And certainly a dinner on the house that once thought as "mine" wasn't gonna help me get over this.
Why does she want to see me? To cause me guilt? About what? I really don't understand her.

This morning I had a dream. There was this woman, a friend of a friend of mine. We were sort of going to have sex ( oh yes!) and she stared at me and said "not on the mouth. let's do the rest". So we had wild sex against the wall even if she didn't want to kiss! Talk about traumatic months....

Sms with no meaning.

I told her "I need distance and space" and she said she won't call me back again, only when I want to. I thought that this time she would respect it.

As if this was going to happen. 

Two nights after, last night, she goes to a concert, and at 12am she writes me some lyrics:

"The lives of two people who got together so passionately, don't grow apart so easily".

Oh I got so pissed. What the fuck does she want from me? She wants to be friends and I want a partner. I made that very clear to her.

I replied "Maybe one day we will be friends", trying to avoid the lyrics. She didn't get it.

At 330am she wrote "All I meant was that you mean the world to me".

I never answered back. Ok she is obsessed with me as a friend, as a blogger...whatever.

Why should I suffer?

Finally something happened.

I guess the waiting was worth it. During this past month ( since the break up), I managed to see what I wanted from her and this kin of relationship, I was observing her behaviour ( you can't do that when you are into the relationship and the other person seems..."perfect") and I was starting to realise the mistakes I made when I was with her.

All this time though I had an inner hope that we would be back again at some point. Stupid me, I was thinking that I could handle the "no sex" issue and at some point things would be as they were last summer. After all she was saying things that made me think that it was possible. Silly her.

But last night I emailed her. Told her that I have feelings of course. Asked her if she was in love. She replied "kind of". And then I called her. Talked, cried ( well me, she was calm....shall I call her insensitive?) and made a decision. " I don't want to see you, I want distance, this whole thing of "not a relationship not a friendship" is not working for me". She said she will respect her. Of course I don't trust her on it. But now I know that they only person who can set the limits is me, not her. Cause she is a fucked up person, who does not see that she is hurting people, she thinks she is cool and that her motto "that's life" is crap. Ok, I am going through the phase of really not liking her. I don't want to think of the good moments ( they were happening until only a couple of months ago) because I will start crying. And you know what? I don't think she will cry and last night she sounded so calm and distant that it pisses me off now that I think of it.

Anyway, enough talking. Tomorrow is the first day of the summer. I must mean something good. I won't see her ( until friday where we meet for a work thing) and time will heal. I am sure she thinks I need only a few days away from her. Ha ha, she will see that deleting her means a lot more time. But then I won't care.

I missed being happy....

Still waiting

Last week, I went on a trip and I disappeared from her life. I didn't answer the phone and I did not reply to her sms. "Part of a strategy" my friends were telling me thinking I was dating a guy. I listened to them but I was wondering if they knew she was a woman....would their advice change?

Anyway, I did not contact her, I was feeling confused.

I came back, we  met for dinner 2 days after. She was talkative, I wasn't, she has hugging me and I wasn't hugging back. One or two times she tried to kiss me, but I turned my head so she kissed the cheek. Not that if she kissed me on the lips anything more would happen. She still "can't function sexually with anyone", Yes! The exact woman who was all over me during last summer. That person , the one I was grateful that I was receiving so much love from. She is like an iceberg. The only think she does is hug and saying " Yes of course I am in love but I don't see you sexually". Talking about paranoid...

Two nights ago she stayed at my place cause she was too tired to go back to hers. We are 'friends' now. She slept in my bed, asking me if I was really ok with it.  I was. I missed her.

Ww lied on the bed and....

NOTHING! on on the one side of the bed and the other on the far end. For a whole night. Although she did say the day aterwards that she was waking up in the middle of the night and was finding herself sleeping all over me. 

We woke up in the morning, as usual, as if nothing had happened. She got dressed , had breakfast and left. Oh and kissed me on the lips. Just a simple kiss

And now I am like "Fuck, still stuck on her". I want to be with her, even when she says she can't imagine sex wit me. Am I that idiot??

Don't I realise that I deserve more?

Well....if I behave logically I would say " oh come on forget it and get on with your life woman. Find a nice man, fall in love with him, have sex all the time without wondering if he wants you". It would save me a lot of tears and questions.

But then it's me....I do miss her, I built up my dreams according to hers and yes, I did imagine this to last.

But the truth is...she doesn't know what she wants from me. (or does she and I choose not to see it? - well, she is in my life, she wants to be part of it. But on the other hand she is not like she used ot, all over me).

The important questions is...Why do I insist on WASTING my time?

Is it waste?

Is it love or habit?

I don't know.

I am still confused and I can't do anything else but wait.

For what? For things to get clarified on their own. Because I really can't do it on my own.

Waiting...

I went to the therapist today. Told her I am confused because I don't know why I keep insisting to get back with my ex ( first time i am writing it). Do I really want her back? Do I just miss the companion? Shall I start seeing guys? And why am I insisting on something that will have an end for sure? After some months, maybe a year. And then I will be almost 32 and panicked that I haven't gotten serious with a guy.

She asked me if I considered starting dating guys. No, I really don't want to. My heart, body and soul are all set to the the ex.

The funny thing is I don't know why. The ex doesn't know what she wants from me, I keep asking her, she never answers. She does not want to leave my life and yesterday she said "Yes I am still in love and yes there are moments where I don't see you as a friend". And she keeps me hanging on ( as the song says). 

So where does that leave me? In waiting.

But the question is : Is it worth it? And what do I really need?

Too many questions, none is answered.

I am too confused to find these answers. 

I leave this to Time. It's his/her job to show me the way. 

I cannot do it. Not by myself and not now.

The Dead End....the birth of a new beginning?

So I split up. After, what 9 months? It was no suprise. Things were over a long time ago, I just chose not to see it. Maybe she didn't either. Maybe this comfort zone suited her. I don't know if I tried to fix things, would help. I really believe there is no future in this relationship. She doesn't want to try, I want to be happy. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe two women, with no experience in such a relationship, aren't meant to be together.
I try not to talk to her. She calls me on job matters and sometimes sends sms for irrelavant things. But she only wants to be friends now. She believes that it's that easy.
Well, for me it's not. I still have feelings. I still care. I still miss "us".
So I keep away from her. Because there's not going to be another try. I can feel it. She is like a wall, no bending.
I feel that I 've neglected my needs in this relationship. I did not handle it well. I let go of myself and was there only for her. Big mistake.Noted, for next time.
When will it be? Well I don't know. Definitely not soon.
I have work to do. To find myself.