Too frustrated

In the past ten days she sms'ed me several times. When she saw that I wasn't going to become soft on her, she started saying the worst things to me. She told me that I am unable to love, that she was dissappointed with me and that there's nothing left for her to feel for me. Right.
And today she contacted me to tell me she's ill. Ok, this is emotional blackmail. I cannot see it otherwise. If she has problems, she should share them with her friends. Not me. She knows I care and she was very suprised when I declined her proposal for dinner. The last message, I received half an hour ago was " There is no room for cold hearted people in my life". You know something?
I 've started to realise that she doesn't care about me, that she uses things to come closer. What for? I have no idea. When I asked her what she felt for me , her only reply was " Is dissapointment a feeling? This is what I feel".
I honestly hope, she won't contact me again. I ran out of strenght, patience, space, everything. I am tired of trying to get over her.
I am tired of torturing me and this blog with things about her.
I want true love in my life. Not self-centred people.

A beautiful night and a feeling of emptiness ( in that order)

Last weekend was almost great. Went to this event, the music was excellent, the view of the sea breath taking and there was a lot of drink.
I felt nice. I flirted with the Dj, his friend and of course, that woman, that there is flirting for the past 4 years ( and nothing more).
So I wrote about it on my other blog.
And she ( you know who) must have read it cause half an hour later she smsed me "Hey, when are you going to talk to me again? I miss you".
Of course, why whould I reply? I mean it's pointless.
What I want does not give it and what she wants I cannot give back. So what's they point.
And I was thinking...you know I would want a person, if they wanted me, to make the effort. To write a big email, to come under my place and wait to talk to me. You know, a grand gesture.
She won't do it, I know. But you know... it would be nice if things were different and if there was passion in my life.
I feel empty...and if my emptiness had a shape , it would be a triangle. Sharp on the edges...

Friends? Well.....not much

The past few days all I do is work. Only.
I don't go out, I don't see people. I just work and then lie on my couch and watch TV. And that's it.
To be honest I started to panick a bit. Am I anti-social?
I feel OBLIGED to call my friends because I am thinking that if I don't do it, they will forget me and I will be left with no people around me. What worries me though, is the "obligation", because otherwise I don't really miss them.
Ok, so this is not normal right? Not missing any of my friends. Or not missing seeing them. Honestly, I am bored. Phew....now I said it. I feel bored with my friends.
I don't want to see them often e.g have a best friend and be on the phone all day with him/her and meet all the time. No, I 'd like to keep my distance.
And since I am being honest, I have to tell you that sometimes I think that I have nothing more to discuss. With none of them. They are interesting people of course, each one with different identity.
Am I going through a crisis? ( I guess)
Is it me who has the problem? ( probably)
Same old? ( certainly)

And I really do dread the weekends - arrange to go out for drinks, meet up people, not cancel it etc. Most of all I dread my non-desire to meet up with my friends.

This is the first post in a long time that is not referred to her. I think of her. She called, I did not answer. Today I woke up and felt as if she never existed....:(

Choose?

One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.

Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!

Will it ever?

My therapist insists "Vida, it's time start deciding what you want".
The days pass by, I have no clue as to what I want but I am starting to think, or rather, stating " I want a relationship that will last. I cannot go on and on with something that will have an end, just because society doesn't accept it".
After all, I am so tired of spending more time picking up my pieces than being in a relationship and HAPPY!
And honestly, I am tired of her little games. Getting drunk and kissing me or saying "our kids" etc.
And when I react ( not calmly at all) she is mad at me for taking things seriously. Oh, fuck her!
Anyways, again out of topic.
So, my therapist yesterday told me ( and I could see it in her eyes she was feeling for me) "you know it's obvious that you need to have a relationship". She didn't tell me that I am needy or anything. She just understood me.
I want love. I want to give. I want to take. I want a happy life. I want to lie ( and have sex) next to a person that I am in love with. I deserve it!
Oh...will it ever happen?

I want....?

I was thinking the other day. The last ten or so posts, were about her.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..

So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.

P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.

Imagine

I never ever expected that this beautiful creature that came into my life, last summer, would cause me now, such pain.
I don't know whether it's her fault or me being too sensitive. But it's like, last year never happened. The moments in bed making love, listening to music, looking each other in the eyes....did all this happen?
You know, I am trying to get better. To leave her out my life. She is still here. She tries to be care-free when she talks to me. On the other hand, I am trying to see her side. She says it's hard for her too. But that doesn't stop me from getting angry from some of her sms. Last night she sent "Now that you are gone, I will have to get a pet". I was so mad at her. It wasn't my choice to leave. She made me leave, by her not responding sexually. Having said nothing, I am sure we would still be together. As what? Probably as an "imaginary couple". Who am I kidding...?

So now, you might wonder "why are you still unhappy since you know that this wasn't going anywhere?". Well, I miss having a partner.

I was just thinking. I am not in the mood of doing anything with anyone. Not that I like someone. I am not even sure whether I like men or women. Plus she is still around ( are 3 months after a 9 month relationship, the normal amount of time you need to forget?).
But I only thought. I would be -that will be a miracle- with a guy if he was nothing like the usual I know, if he was serious but with a sense of humor, sensitive but powerful, cute but "manly", clever but not "smart ass".
I then would be with a woman, if she was something out of this world i.e Angelina Jolie ( ok laugh lol).
Anyway...as you can see, I am still in a still mood...