So bored....I could die!

Ok...I am officially BORED. Yes bored.

But not bored like most people. Actually I am so bored, that there's no point beyond that.

Told it to a blogger-friend over the MSN yesterday ( at work and with five deadlines over my head but did not care!).

- So you are bored...

- Yes, very much so. I am so bored and so depressed about my non existent life and the fact that I don't know what to do to make it, well, exciting.

- Well, do you go out?

- Used to. Stopped three weeks ago. Same old.. same things...

- What about cyber-sex?

- Done it. Doesn't work anymore ( oh GOD I am getting old!!!)

- Start playing games on pc!

-Bought an XBOX, remember? Ended up making my sims (game figures) having sex.

- Do something spiritual for God's sake!

- Started power yoga. Loved it but still...

- Do a one night stand!

- Trying to arrange it ( complicated, let's not discuss it).

- Travel!

- Will, in a couple of weeks! But still...

- Experiment! With everything, with yourself, your job, your life etc.

- I have been doing this for 26 years , stopped the last 3.

- Oh dear....so you are bored....Really cannot think of anything else for you to do.

So, that was the end of the conversation. At least, we had a laugh! But still, one day later, I am bored. And it's getting serious. Started looking for jobs over the other side of the Atlantic ( must really stop watching The L Word and Grey's Anatomy).

Any ideas?

p.s I have a feeling that this blog...well no one reads it. So that actually makes me feel that I can write anything. And that's really a liberation....really, it is!

The previous post in photos

As I said in my previous post..I have a thing for big cities!

So when I found myself in the biggest city of all, New York, I think that very first night, at Bryant Park (btn 5th and Madison I think), I felt so happy and complete (rare for me).

We were two silly people taking photos of each other, in the middle of the night, in the middle of New York! It was such a beautiful night....warm, sensual. oh so happy!

And then... a Sunday morning, I found myself in a small cafe in West Village. We decided, as it was raining to take a "brunch break". So we bought our Sunday Times ( I am a newspaper and magazine freak), ordered HUGE Cafe au lait and read, while listening to Edith Piaf in the background. From time to time, I was looking outside the window, at the yellow taxis passing by, in the pooring rain. I felt an instant "long moment of true happiness" and a sense of belonging (how can you feel that in a country that's so different from yours?).

One day, as the sun was setting down, we crossed Brooklyn Bridge and went to the small park under the bridge to watch Manhattan by light... (photo taken with mobile phone). So nice, so "cinematic". Couldn't believe I was there. Couldn't believed I was so lucky to experience such an amazing scenery... (also, decided that if I were in love in NY I would take my date there, at that small park and kiss - so Rome and Juliette I know!).

A week later I found myself in Paris. The good thing was that...well that Paris is so romantic!

The bad thing was that I wasn't in love there!

Paris is a big city, impressive, full of lights, beautiful images, erotic vibes.

The other thing with the big cities, is that there will be moments like this one. Out of nowhere you will find yourself in a room, near Patti Smith! You and hundreds of people from all over the world ( forgot to tell you that as I was walking in 5th Av in NY I saw Rod Stewart performing outside the Apple Store). So in Paris, Patti and I (well, and 500hundred guests) sang together "Because the night"....belongs to lovers! I decided, that the next time I was going to visit Paris it would be with the "love of my life" ( if that exists, because I doubt that mine lives in this solar system!).

Anyway, after Paris and NY I decided that I really had to come to my base and earn a living ( so I can make more trips). But this didn't last long because I had to go for work to Athens.

Well Athens is one of my favourite cities. I visit it at least three times a year. I have really good friends there, we go out a lot and actually Athens does feel like a big city! You can sit at a cafe, drink your coffee, read your book and no one will bother you. Or you can go to bookshops, galleries...oh I just love it!

So....yes....Big City Lights...adore them....want to live in a big city...but i think i am too much of a coward...

Big City Lights

I have a thing for big cities.
I wasn't born in a one so I really cannot understand my obsession!
I was raised in a house, about 20min away from a city of a small country. That meant lots of treets, flowers, the sea about half an hour away, the mountains 40minutes away.
So normally I should grow and feel weird in a big city full of skyscrapers, subways, lots of people etc.
When I went to study in the UK and spent time in London I just, magically felt that everything around me fitted me. To who I was, to what made me confortable.
I loved the underground, the traffic, lots of people, big buildings, the parks in the city, drinking my latte as I was rushing to catch the underground to go to class. Sounds masochistic I know but I loved it!
Plus, I don't like the "closed-society" mindset that there is where I live. Everybody knows what happens in your life and so on. God!
So three months ago I went for the first time in New York! The apocalypse!
I can still feel the sense in West Village (any way to live there), my skin burning as I was sunbathing in Central Park, drinking my cappuccino in the MoMA cafe, walking in the isles of Guggenheim looking at the Zaha Hadid works, having bruch in a cafe in the Village and outside raining, watching Little Children at the Angelica in Soho and eating Peanut butter cups (my new obsession)...all those little things that you can do in a big city and make you feel part of it in a strange way.

Then I went to Paris with work.
Paris was different. More romantic, less "big".
I walked in the streets listening music from my mp3. As it was my first time there, I was so glad when I saw the Eiffel Tower (although after NY everything looked so "small"), the Louvre, the Tuiliere garden. I spent an amazing night at the Pompidou, saw a fashion show, saw Patti Smith performing 5m away from me, met Dee Dee Bridgewater, sang with Youssou D' Our....an experience that will never forget.

You see, in a bigh city you feel that if you work hard enough, if you are positive enough you can make things happen!

So, I guess that's why I like Big Cities

Card reading

A few years back, a friend of mine told me that she went to a woman who "reads cards", in other words she tells you about the future. She told me that, that woman was amazing. I wasn't much of a believer in these things so I did not pay much attention. However, after sometime, I was intrigued. I didn't like my job, had boy/girl friend issues and to cut a long story short, I was SO curious to find out about my future. So I went to that woman. And she told me all those things about me ( firstly they start telling you about the past) and they were all true! And then she told me about my future. I don't remember if any of these things came true after a while. Anyways, some months ago I went to this really famous tarot-reader. I was working with a women who did a lot of research on these things. So again I did not like my job ( now that I am thinking of it, I might as well accept the fact that my dream job is certainly NOT in this country!), I again had boy/girl issues ( i.e being single for too long) and I had again the need to see if my life was going to get better anytime soon! Sounds pathetic eh?

Anyway, I went and as she was telling me things I was recording her words.

She said nice things and most importantly she said that I was going to fall in love soon! However, I was still sceptic, thinking that there wasn't a chance in this world that I will ever find the love of my life!

Last night, I listened, for the first time after 6 months, to that recording. And guess what! Three of the things she told me that were going to to happen have happened! She predicted that my dad will have a health issue (he 's going to be operated today), that I was going to have an issue with my hormones ( four days ago the results of my blood tests came out - I have low hormone level and low estrogen level - hence my depression I think) and that I was going to get a job offer ( I have, three months ago and started a new job, a month ago).

So I am thinking....what if the whole "you are going to fall in love very soon" is going to come true? Is it possible?

Strange Xmas

These Xmas have been strange. To be honest I want these holidays to just go away.
Everything that I had planned for, was ruined and on top of that we spent the holidays in the hospital. Terrible. I know some people have more problems than the ones me and my family have, but you know, when things happen to you, you don't really think about the "worse cases".
I ve learnt a couple of things these past few days:
1. Family is really important. But I felt trapped in it.
2. I need to "grow up" and stop counting on my parents. They ,now, need to count on me.
3. "Hoping" isn't always a good thing. Hoping that your life will change is not always good. Cause it might not change. So it's better to deal with the things you have right now that "hoping".
4. Real friends are the ones who don't magically disappear when you, for some reason, do.
5. Just when you lose hope in finding your place in this earth, somethings (small things) make you start believing again. Even if these things don't give you the solution you want.
6. There isn't a solution for anything. Just means to get by a bit each time.
7. Falling in love is difficult, I guess. I am a difficult person.
8. It's good not to think of the past in terms of "It was better back then", because back then I wasn't 100% happy either.
9. I love my 6 month old scar in the hand, it's alive and it's mine.
10. I really do need to fall in love. I have missed intense feelings.

too tired

I ve been away on a trip these past days. When I got back on Sunday, I felt detouched from my life here. Not that I felt that I belonged to that other country I had been.
My life these past two years, has been strange. Ackward things happened, like losing some friends, fighting with them, fighting to keep alive some other relationships, struggling to be happy.
And on Sunday I just felt that I am too tired to struggle just to have some moments of happiness. I am not sure if this is a pessimistic attitude. But I am really tired of waking up everymorning and knowing that I really don't have the life that I want to.
Everytime when I wake up in the morning, I see the empty side next to me. Wouldn't it be nice if there was someone to wake up next to? It's been so long since I really wanted or had someone that I feel that I lost the ability to communicate and to love.
Is it pathetic? I still can't answer that. I don't even know whether this is a form of depression or laziness...
too tired...

The Beatles said...

I became a Beatles' fan when I was 20. It was then, that I could read between the lines. My all time favourite song of theirs was "Get Together" (so sexy). Some years ago I had to help my sister who was studying music on her essay on "Eleanor Rigby", one of Beatles' least know songs.

I immediately felt a connection to it. I was only 23 and I already feared of loneliness.

Today I bought the latest collection of their songs called "Love". This is also the name of the latest performance by Cirque du Soleil, in Las Vegas.

Anyways, as I am listening to it now, I remembered again, that time when I was reading for Eleanor Rigby. Do you remember the lyrics? Here's how they went:

"Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been,

Lives in a dream.

Waits at the window, wearing a face she keeps in a jar by the door,

Who is it for?All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear,

No-one comes near

Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there,

What does he care?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Ah, look at all the lonely people.

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name.

Nobody came.

Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave.

No-one was saved.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

I don't like loneliness. These days, however, even when I'm around people I feel so lonely. I don't dare admiting it to anyone. I don't think they'll understand. Even if they do, they won't admit it.

But do you know what the worst part is? Feeling lonely because it's the best you can feel.