What is my path?

So, the guy magically disappeared...well, I had my part in it, but I am sure if things were working between us, he would make an effort, or for that matter, I would.
Anyways, no harm done if you ask me. Suddenly I realised that I had compromised too much in that situation. But as always, at the end I snapped out of it and did what I thought was right for me.
So what is right when it comes to your life?
I mean, how do you know that the things you decide NOW will be good for you LATER?
Or, what if the decisions you make now, will be bad and you ll end up miserable?
I am not sure how this thing works. However, during the past couple of weeks, I 've been thinking and regreting about the things I did not do, the moments that I was a coward.
I am not even sure if these thoughts are a result of my current - not the most positive- state of mind or just the plain facts.
And on top of that, I am still wondering....I am old enough to know what I want. But I don't.
Aren't I suppose to have chosen by now a path? Or even take risks?
The last time I took a risk was a few years back when I decided to change jobs and my whole career path. But since then I have been such a coward, not taking risks, not choosing.
And it's so frustrating!!

I think I am wrong

My love life sucks. And I am not overstating. It does.
1.I am pretending to be something I am not i.e a totally straight woman.
2. I met this guy, who is funny, clever, intellectual BUT I cannot imagine myself kissing him
3. I am such a coward that I know at the end of the day (of my life) I am going to regret not following my heart.
4. I am not even sure whether to go on with the guy or just ditch him. I cannot even have an opinion on the matter. Such a coward!
5. I have a high sex drive, but since I am not so much into guys, although I pretend to be, high libido is a curse!
6. Coward coward coward!

Here comes the sun baby....

Remember this song by Nina Simone?


This is how I feel this day. Today I let the sun burn my skin just a bit.
I opened my car window and let the fresh air and the flower scents come into my world.
And the sun was there, welcoming me, giving me the much needed light and energy.
Thank you!

I was kinda low this weekend. On a scale of ten I would rate my mood a two. Yes, only a two.
I went out, met with friends, went to the cinema but still...

I "tried" to be alone at my home, on Sunday, all by myself. I need it this period.
It helps me to accept me. Or, rather it helps me "find" who I really am.
And although sometimes, I cannot stand being alone in my empty apartment, I think that's a stage that I need to go through.

I guess I haven't been loving me enough during the last couple of years.
And although I did lots of things like reading many books, watching a lot of movies, going to art galleries, traveling, educating my self in other words I still did not teach myself how to be,
just be.

So this is my task for this spring ( and summer)....

...with a little help from the sun!

To the friends concerned

To my good friend.

Thanks for existing in my life...I am happier with you in it

Thanks for being there when I needed you...sometimes I can't make it on my own.

Thanks for the support, the love, the laughs, the good moments...I often need uplifting these days.

Thanks for seeing through me...there are times that I cannot express what I think, or am.

Thanks for the silence...it has more content that all the words in the world.

Thanks for the space you are giving me to breathe...I need it.

Thanks for making me want to become a better person...it makes me love you even more.

Promise to be there for you...thanks

To the former friend

Thanks for giving me a lesson about who is worth getting my love, my attention and my time.

Thanks for helping me realizing my priorities...I now start to know who my friends are

Thanks for not being there when I needed you...I became stronger.

Thanks for being selfish, self-centred and immature...helped me realised what I need NOT to be.

Thanks for wasting my feelings towards you...it made me give more love to the people who deserve it all.

Friendship is simple after all isn't it?

Honestly

I have been away for days now. Been isolated from all. But was not panicked as other times.

I needed the time to look into the details of my life. I sent away all the things and the people who distract me from this process.

Have I found out about me? About my needs and all the things I want to do, to be?

Hmm...not yet. I think it will be a long journey. But now I am prepared for it.

I find my self in a mood to take things at my own pace. Cannot go any faster and cannot go any slower.

During this process I know that I will face my demons, I know I will cry and I know that I will not want to exist anymore....familiar feelings. So familiar, I am not afraid of them anymore.

Honestly.

Hate my job

My boredom hasn't left me. Not, that I have done anything to stop it...

I am going through the phase "Really don't give a f*** about anything or anyone".

On Friday boss called me in and practically humilated me in front of everybody saying about me going to work, late in the mornings. I did not say a single word. I guess he was right. But even if he wasn't I still wouldn't open by mouth to defend myself. I do go late to work, cause as I wake up I keep thinking that it's going to be another day of me doing nothing from the things I like. NOTHING.

Later on, this friend of mine, and one of the bosses there, asked me what was wrong and why I was in a bad mood. "Is it your work? You don't like it". I nodded, yes, I did not like it and I felt that I wasn't good at it. And of course, cause she is clever and she knows me pretty well, she must have guessed that another reason was my thoughts on "Am-I-Right-for-this-work" thing. Ok, so it's better than the previous ones in many aspects. Can't complain about that. On the other hand, to be really the best at this job you have to be constatly in a good, even "hyper" mood. And I am not! Rarely, these past few years. So I am not fit for this field I guess.

But job is not my only problem these days. Anyway, in another post the other ones. Got to go and write these "happy" articles... HELP!

So bored....I could die!

Ok...I am officially BORED. Yes bored.

But not bored like most people. Actually I am so bored, that there's no point beyond that.

Told it to a blogger-friend over the MSN yesterday ( at work and with five deadlines over my head but did not care!).

- So you are bored...

- Yes, very much so. I am so bored and so depressed about my non existent life and the fact that I don't know what to do to make it, well, exciting.

- Well, do you go out?

- Used to. Stopped three weeks ago. Same old.. same things...

- What about cyber-sex?

- Done it. Doesn't work anymore ( oh GOD I am getting old!!!)

- Start playing games on pc!

-Bought an XBOX, remember? Ended up making my sims (game figures) having sex.

- Do something spiritual for God's sake!

- Started power yoga. Loved it but still...

- Do a one night stand!

- Trying to arrange it ( complicated, let's not discuss it).

- Travel!

- Will, in a couple of weeks! But still...

- Experiment! With everything, with yourself, your job, your life etc.

- I have been doing this for 26 years , stopped the last 3.

- Oh dear....so you are bored....Really cannot think of anything else for you to do.

So, that was the end of the conversation. At least, we had a laugh! But still, one day later, I am bored. And it's getting serious. Started looking for jobs over the other side of the Atlantic ( must really stop watching The L Word and Grey's Anatomy).

Any ideas?

p.s I have a feeling that this blog...well no one reads it. So that actually makes me feel that I can write anything. And that's really a liberation....really, it is!