Time for change?

Change. A word that I have been afraid my whole life. The funny thing is though that my life has been most about changes. Never did what girls at my age did when I was younger and now I never do what women of my age normally do. I just do my things. Which are MY things. And I wouldn't mind to keep being the black sheep, but I noticed that in the last couple of years I did not do any important changes. Of course some people who know me would say that changing jobs, falling in love, making many new friends ( most of them acquaintances), living on my own have been more than just "changes". But I don't feel this way.

I feel that now I have more insecurities than ever. I cannot stand being alone anymore, even if that means staying at home 1-2 nights during the week. I just can't. And now I am with somebody it's even worse. I feel sooo insecure. We are not always together. I guess having this kind of relationship where most people don't know about it's kind of difficult.

So I need to change. I need to be stronger and able to stay positive more than just half an hour. Because otherwise I won't stand me. I need to change and become more optimistic.

So my first change is stick to my training and losing weight program. Not for health reasons etc. I am thinking that when I feel good about my body I will automatically start feeling good about my inside too. So I try. Really hard. I need this change. I need to start from here, the exterior of me. And then I will see. I just hope it won't be too late.

Until the end of September...

...I will wait until it ends.
They keep telling that September is the start of new things, the beginning of the new year and that we should program our daily lives.
So I was forced to "forget" my best summer moments ever ( yes I had a beautiful summer full of love, friends, swimming, lots of sun and great moments) and be part of the daily life.
So I programmed my life once again. I started the gym, a new work project, I went shopping to see the new season fashion. And I tried to fit my love into my daily life.
Boy, that was difficult!
Maybe I am not good in adjusting, maybe I am. Well the thing is that this whole programming thing is yet to begin. People are in a strange mood ( I guess trying to adjust as well).
We organise our nights out but not very good. I plan in my head dinners for friends and for people to meet my new love. But plans stay in my head! Oh I need to find a way to organise me.

I feel a strange pressure to "grow up". I am not a grown up! and I turned 30!
Ohhhh those summer moments!

summer moments

yes!

bad luck ha ha!

I like a straight woman....fuck. Believe me people, that's even worse than being single!
It's even worse than having a guy emailing you pretending he is a dog (!) who wants to have a master and he gives you his phone number....how pathetic is that?? Oh yeah, this is the guy previously mentioned...
It's even worse than the fact that all I do is work and it's summer! It's even worse than the fact that I am bad at what I do these days!
I like her!! Frustrating!


Bad luck right? Yes!

summer love?

I think I like someone....
is it because it's summer?
or is it the fact that I haven't liked someone for a long time?
That person just gets my attention
and the funny thing is that I suspect we don't have many things in common.
I am far more cynical. The person sounds romantic, sensitive, low profile. I am none of these!

But i try to be cool about it. I mean when you are taken for granted, they tend to just ignore you. So you have to keep a certain distance BUT on the other hand you have to know when to give a little bit of yourself .
How funny is that? I guess it's human psychology.

I like you...

How to start over?

Last Sunday I had one of the most truthful conversations of the last months.
Was at a friend's house, sitting on the porch, talking about travel, life, the summer.
She and I, have something in common. We both need to get away, even for a few months.
She's been planning a trip to Latin America whereas I am not sure where to head to (hell, I am not even sure if I will ever manage to "escape").
The last two times we got together we talked about my feelings towards love, men and women. She knows me pretty well, she knows parts of my love life. So, by now, she knows that I need to have the chance to be able to choose. But to choose I need to see both sides.

So at some point she said " You need to get away, go someplace else and see who you are. You tell me that you need to belong. But in order for you to belong to someone or in a relationship, first of all you need to belong to yourself".

She was right, God I know.
But it's been so long since the last time I really knew who I was. It's like someone else is running my life and let me tell you, they ain't doing a good job!
My friend's words are since then in my head.
And also this trip I need to take. Even for a few months. I need to start over.

What is my path?

So, the guy magically disappeared...well, I had my part in it, but I am sure if things were working between us, he would make an effort, or for that matter, I would.
Anyways, no harm done if you ask me. Suddenly I realised that I had compromised too much in that situation. But as always, at the end I snapped out of it and did what I thought was right for me.
So what is right when it comes to your life?
I mean, how do you know that the things you decide NOW will be good for you LATER?
Or, what if the decisions you make now, will be bad and you ll end up miserable?
I am not sure how this thing works. However, during the past couple of weeks, I 've been thinking and regreting about the things I did not do, the moments that I was a coward.
I am not even sure if these thoughts are a result of my current - not the most positive- state of mind or just the plain facts.
And on top of that, I am still wondering....I am old enough to know what I want. But I don't.
Aren't I suppose to have chosen by now a path? Or even take risks?
The last time I took a risk was a few years back when I decided to change jobs and my whole career path. But since then I have been such a coward, not taking risks, not choosing.
And it's so frustrating!!