Choose?

One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.

Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!

Will it ever?

My therapist insists "Vida, it's time start deciding what you want".
The days pass by, I have no clue as to what I want but I am starting to think, or rather, stating " I want a relationship that will last. I cannot go on and on with something that will have an end, just because society doesn't accept it".
After all, I am so tired of spending more time picking up my pieces than being in a relationship and HAPPY!
And honestly, I am tired of her little games. Getting drunk and kissing me or saying "our kids" etc.
And when I react ( not calmly at all) she is mad at me for taking things seriously. Oh, fuck her!
Anyways, again out of topic.
So, my therapist yesterday told me ( and I could see it in her eyes she was feeling for me) "you know it's obvious that you need to have a relationship". She didn't tell me that I am needy or anything. She just understood me.
I want love. I want to give. I want to take. I want a happy life. I want to lie ( and have sex) next to a person that I am in love with. I deserve it!
Oh...will it ever happen?