Single again

I haven't written in a long time. I read my last post and I realise that I have been having a hard time, for 3 months now. Do you think it's normal to have the perfect time and be in love with someone for 2 months and the same portion, filled with sorrow? I dont' think it is.
I broke up two days ago. For the third time. But now I am sure that there is no turning back. She doesn't want me as a lover, only as a friend. I guess she likes me as a person. Only.
Do I mind? Well yes...I fell for her. Although she claims she fell in love with me, I can't help but wonder, whether this was love or just a deep connection. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
The point is that in a relationship we are all entitled in having all our needs fullfilled, emotional and physical. I felt for a long time ( God, things were dying for a long time - how did I not see it?), that this was a "half" relationship. I was ready for it, she wasn't.
In fact I was ready to commit, to love, and to dedicate myself to one person. Something that until 6 months ago, I was sure I couldn't, I thought it wasn't who I was meant to be.
But now I now...I can do it.
Maybe this is the best thing that came out of this whole 5 month story.
My friends tell me it's a great achievement and at the end of the day I am the winner.
Probably they are right.
But at the moment I am so emotionally hurt that I cannot even think about it. My only thought is that I am too tired of being single. Really.

Time for change?

Change. A word that I have been afraid my whole life. The funny thing is though that my life has been most about changes. Never did what girls at my age did when I was younger and now I never do what women of my age normally do. I just do my things. Which are MY things. And I wouldn't mind to keep being the black sheep, but I noticed that in the last couple of years I did not do any important changes. Of course some people who know me would say that changing jobs, falling in love, making many new friends ( most of them acquaintances), living on my own have been more than just "changes". But I don't feel this way.

I feel that now I have more insecurities than ever. I cannot stand being alone anymore, even if that means staying at home 1-2 nights during the week. I just can't. And now I am with somebody it's even worse. I feel sooo insecure. We are not always together. I guess having this kind of relationship where most people don't know about it's kind of difficult.

So I need to change. I need to be stronger and able to stay positive more than just half an hour. Because otherwise I won't stand me. I need to change and become more optimistic.

So my first change is stick to my training and losing weight program. Not for health reasons etc. I am thinking that when I feel good about my body I will automatically start feeling good about my inside too. So I try. Really hard. I need this change. I need to start from here, the exterior of me. And then I will see. I just hope it won't be too late.

Until the end of September...

...I will wait until it ends.
They keep telling that September is the start of new things, the beginning of the new year and that we should program our daily lives.
So I was forced to "forget" my best summer moments ever ( yes I had a beautiful summer full of love, friends, swimming, lots of sun and great moments) and be part of the daily life.
So I programmed my life once again. I started the gym, a new work project, I went shopping to see the new season fashion. And I tried to fit my love into my daily life.
Boy, that was difficult!
Maybe I am not good in adjusting, maybe I am. Well the thing is that this whole programming thing is yet to begin. People are in a strange mood ( I guess trying to adjust as well).
We organise our nights out but not very good. I plan in my head dinners for friends and for people to meet my new love. But plans stay in my head! Oh I need to find a way to organise me.

I feel a strange pressure to "grow up". I am not a grown up! and I turned 30!
Ohhhh those summer moments!

summer moments

yes!

bad luck ha ha!

I like a straight woman....fuck. Believe me people, that's even worse than being single!
It's even worse than having a guy emailing you pretending he is a dog (!) who wants to have a master and he gives you his phone number....how pathetic is that?? Oh yeah, this is the guy previously mentioned...
It's even worse than the fact that all I do is work and it's summer! It's even worse than the fact that I am bad at what I do these days!
I like her!! Frustrating!


Bad luck right? Yes!

summer love?

I think I like someone....
is it because it's summer?
or is it the fact that I haven't liked someone for a long time?
That person just gets my attention
and the funny thing is that I suspect we don't have many things in common.
I am far more cynical. The person sounds romantic, sensitive, low profile. I am none of these!

But i try to be cool about it. I mean when you are taken for granted, they tend to just ignore you. So you have to keep a certain distance BUT on the other hand you have to know when to give a little bit of yourself .
How funny is that? I guess it's human psychology.

I like you...

How to start over?

Last Sunday I had one of the most truthful conversations of the last months.
Was at a friend's house, sitting on the porch, talking about travel, life, the summer.
She and I, have something in common. We both need to get away, even for a few months.
She's been planning a trip to Latin America whereas I am not sure where to head to (hell, I am not even sure if I will ever manage to "escape").
The last two times we got together we talked about my feelings towards love, men and women. She knows me pretty well, she knows parts of my love life. So, by now, she knows that I need to have the chance to be able to choose. But to choose I need to see both sides.

So at some point she said " You need to get away, go someplace else and see who you are. You tell me that you need to belong. But in order for you to belong to someone or in a relationship, first of all you need to belong to yourself".

She was right, God I know.
But it's been so long since the last time I really knew who I was. It's like someone else is running my life and let me tell you, they ain't doing a good job!
My friend's words are since then in my head.
And also this trip I need to take. Even for a few months. I need to start over.

What is my path?

So, the guy magically disappeared...well, I had my part in it, but I am sure if things were working between us, he would make an effort, or for that matter, I would.
Anyways, no harm done if you ask me. Suddenly I realised that I had compromised too much in that situation. But as always, at the end I snapped out of it and did what I thought was right for me.
So what is right when it comes to your life?
I mean, how do you know that the things you decide NOW will be good for you LATER?
Or, what if the decisions you make now, will be bad and you ll end up miserable?
I am not sure how this thing works. However, during the past couple of weeks, I 've been thinking and regreting about the things I did not do, the moments that I was a coward.
I am not even sure if these thoughts are a result of my current - not the most positive- state of mind or just the plain facts.
And on top of that, I am still wondering....I am old enough to know what I want. But I don't.
Aren't I suppose to have chosen by now a path? Or even take risks?
The last time I took a risk was a few years back when I decided to change jobs and my whole career path. But since then I have been such a coward, not taking risks, not choosing.
And it's so frustrating!!

I think I am wrong

My love life sucks. And I am not overstating. It does.
1.I am pretending to be something I am not i.e a totally straight woman.
2. I met this guy, who is funny, clever, intellectual BUT I cannot imagine myself kissing him
3. I am such a coward that I know at the end of the day (of my life) I am going to regret not following my heart.
4. I am not even sure whether to go on with the guy or just ditch him. I cannot even have an opinion on the matter. Such a coward!
5. I have a high sex drive, but since I am not so much into guys, although I pretend to be, high libido is a curse!
6. Coward coward coward!

Here comes the sun baby....

Remember this song by Nina Simone?


This is how I feel this day. Today I let the sun burn my skin just a bit.
I opened my car window and let the fresh air and the flower scents come into my world.
And the sun was there, welcoming me, giving me the much needed light and energy.
Thank you!

I was kinda low this weekend. On a scale of ten I would rate my mood a two. Yes, only a two.
I went out, met with friends, went to the cinema but still...

I "tried" to be alone at my home, on Sunday, all by myself. I need it this period.
It helps me to accept me. Or, rather it helps me "find" who I really am.
And although sometimes, I cannot stand being alone in my empty apartment, I think that's a stage that I need to go through.

I guess I haven't been loving me enough during the last couple of years.
And although I did lots of things like reading many books, watching a lot of movies, going to art galleries, traveling, educating my self in other words I still did not teach myself how to be,
just be.

So this is my task for this spring ( and summer)....

...with a little help from the sun!

To the friends concerned

To my good friend.

Thanks for existing in my life...I am happier with you in it

Thanks for being there when I needed you...sometimes I can't make it on my own.

Thanks for the support, the love, the laughs, the good moments...I often need uplifting these days.

Thanks for seeing through me...there are times that I cannot express what I think, or am.

Thanks for the silence...it has more content that all the words in the world.

Thanks for the space you are giving me to breathe...I need it.

Thanks for making me want to become a better person...it makes me love you even more.

Promise to be there for you...thanks

To the former friend

Thanks for giving me a lesson about who is worth getting my love, my attention and my time.

Thanks for helping me realizing my priorities...I now start to know who my friends are

Thanks for not being there when I needed you...I became stronger.

Thanks for being selfish, self-centred and immature...helped me realised what I need NOT to be.

Thanks for wasting my feelings towards you...it made me give more love to the people who deserve it all.

Friendship is simple after all isn't it?

Honestly

I have been away for days now. Been isolated from all. But was not panicked as other times.

I needed the time to look into the details of my life. I sent away all the things and the people who distract me from this process.

Have I found out about me? About my needs and all the things I want to do, to be?

Hmm...not yet. I think it will be a long journey. But now I am prepared for it.

I find my self in a mood to take things at my own pace. Cannot go any faster and cannot go any slower.

During this process I know that I will face my demons, I know I will cry and I know that I will not want to exist anymore....familiar feelings. So familiar, I am not afraid of them anymore.

Honestly.

Hate my job

My boredom hasn't left me. Not, that I have done anything to stop it...

I am going through the phase "Really don't give a f*** about anything or anyone".

On Friday boss called me in and practically humilated me in front of everybody saying about me going to work, late in the mornings. I did not say a single word. I guess he was right. But even if he wasn't I still wouldn't open by mouth to defend myself. I do go late to work, cause as I wake up I keep thinking that it's going to be another day of me doing nothing from the things I like. NOTHING.

Later on, this friend of mine, and one of the bosses there, asked me what was wrong and why I was in a bad mood. "Is it your work? You don't like it". I nodded, yes, I did not like it and I felt that I wasn't good at it. And of course, cause she is clever and she knows me pretty well, she must have guessed that another reason was my thoughts on "Am-I-Right-for-this-work" thing. Ok, so it's better than the previous ones in many aspects. Can't complain about that. On the other hand, to be really the best at this job you have to be constatly in a good, even "hyper" mood. And I am not! Rarely, these past few years. So I am not fit for this field I guess.

But job is not my only problem these days. Anyway, in another post the other ones. Got to go and write these "happy" articles... HELP!

So bored....I could die!

Ok...I am officially BORED. Yes bored.

But not bored like most people. Actually I am so bored, that there's no point beyond that.

Told it to a blogger-friend over the MSN yesterday ( at work and with five deadlines over my head but did not care!).

- So you are bored...

- Yes, very much so. I am so bored and so depressed about my non existent life and the fact that I don't know what to do to make it, well, exciting.

- Well, do you go out?

- Used to. Stopped three weeks ago. Same old.. same things...

- What about cyber-sex?

- Done it. Doesn't work anymore ( oh GOD I am getting old!!!)

- Start playing games on pc!

-Bought an XBOX, remember? Ended up making my sims (game figures) having sex.

- Do something spiritual for God's sake!

- Started power yoga. Loved it but still...

- Do a one night stand!

- Trying to arrange it ( complicated, let's not discuss it).

- Travel!

- Will, in a couple of weeks! But still...

- Experiment! With everything, with yourself, your job, your life etc.

- I have been doing this for 26 years , stopped the last 3.

- Oh dear....so you are bored....Really cannot think of anything else for you to do.

So, that was the end of the conversation. At least, we had a laugh! But still, one day later, I am bored. And it's getting serious. Started looking for jobs over the other side of the Atlantic ( must really stop watching The L Word and Grey's Anatomy).

Any ideas?

p.s I have a feeling that this blog...well no one reads it. So that actually makes me feel that I can write anything. And that's really a liberation....really, it is!

The previous post in photos

As I said in my previous post..I have a thing for big cities!

So when I found myself in the biggest city of all, New York, I think that very first night, at Bryant Park (btn 5th and Madison I think), I felt so happy and complete (rare for me).

We were two silly people taking photos of each other, in the middle of the night, in the middle of New York! It was such a beautiful night....warm, sensual. oh so happy!

And then... a Sunday morning, I found myself in a small cafe in West Village. We decided, as it was raining to take a "brunch break". So we bought our Sunday Times ( I am a newspaper and magazine freak), ordered HUGE Cafe au lait and read, while listening to Edith Piaf in the background. From time to time, I was looking outside the window, at the yellow taxis passing by, in the pooring rain. I felt an instant "long moment of true happiness" and a sense of belonging (how can you feel that in a country that's so different from yours?).

One day, as the sun was setting down, we crossed Brooklyn Bridge and went to the small park under the bridge to watch Manhattan by light... (photo taken with mobile phone). So nice, so "cinematic". Couldn't believe I was there. Couldn't believed I was so lucky to experience such an amazing scenery... (also, decided that if I were in love in NY I would take my date there, at that small park and kiss - so Rome and Juliette I know!).

A week later I found myself in Paris. The good thing was that...well that Paris is so romantic!

The bad thing was that I wasn't in love there!

Paris is a big city, impressive, full of lights, beautiful images, erotic vibes.

The other thing with the big cities, is that there will be moments like this one. Out of nowhere you will find yourself in a room, near Patti Smith! You and hundreds of people from all over the world ( forgot to tell you that as I was walking in 5th Av in NY I saw Rod Stewart performing outside the Apple Store). So in Paris, Patti and I (well, and 500hundred guests) sang together "Because the night"....belongs to lovers! I decided, that the next time I was going to visit Paris it would be with the "love of my life" ( if that exists, because I doubt that mine lives in this solar system!).

Anyway, after Paris and NY I decided that I really had to come to my base and earn a living ( so I can make more trips). But this didn't last long because I had to go for work to Athens.

Well Athens is one of my favourite cities. I visit it at least three times a year. I have really good friends there, we go out a lot and actually Athens does feel like a big city! You can sit at a cafe, drink your coffee, read your book and no one will bother you. Or you can go to bookshops, galleries...oh I just love it!

So....yes....Big City Lights...adore them....want to live in a big city...but i think i am too much of a coward...

Big City Lights

I have a thing for big cities.
I wasn't born in a one so I really cannot understand my obsession!
I was raised in a house, about 20min away from a city of a small country. That meant lots of treets, flowers, the sea about half an hour away, the mountains 40minutes away.
So normally I should grow and feel weird in a big city full of skyscrapers, subways, lots of people etc.
When I went to study in the UK and spent time in London I just, magically felt that everything around me fitted me. To who I was, to what made me confortable.
I loved the underground, the traffic, lots of people, big buildings, the parks in the city, drinking my latte as I was rushing to catch the underground to go to class. Sounds masochistic I know but I loved it!
Plus, I don't like the "closed-society" mindset that there is where I live. Everybody knows what happens in your life and so on. God!
So three months ago I went for the first time in New York! The apocalypse!
I can still feel the sense in West Village (any way to live there), my skin burning as I was sunbathing in Central Park, drinking my cappuccino in the MoMA cafe, walking in the isles of Guggenheim looking at the Zaha Hadid works, having bruch in a cafe in the Village and outside raining, watching Little Children at the Angelica in Soho and eating Peanut butter cups (my new obsession)...all those little things that you can do in a big city and make you feel part of it in a strange way.

Then I went to Paris with work.
Paris was different. More romantic, less "big".
I walked in the streets listening music from my mp3. As it was my first time there, I was so glad when I saw the Eiffel Tower (although after NY everything looked so "small"), the Louvre, the Tuiliere garden. I spent an amazing night at the Pompidou, saw a fashion show, saw Patti Smith performing 5m away from me, met Dee Dee Bridgewater, sang with Youssou D' Our....an experience that will never forget.

You see, in a bigh city you feel that if you work hard enough, if you are positive enough you can make things happen!

So, I guess that's why I like Big Cities

Card reading

A few years back, a friend of mine told me that she went to a woman who "reads cards", in other words she tells you about the future. She told me that, that woman was amazing. I wasn't much of a believer in these things so I did not pay much attention. However, after sometime, I was intrigued. I didn't like my job, had boy/girl friend issues and to cut a long story short, I was SO curious to find out about my future. So I went to that woman. And she told me all those things about me ( firstly they start telling you about the past) and they were all true! And then she told me about my future. I don't remember if any of these things came true after a while. Anyways, some months ago I went to this really famous tarot-reader. I was working with a women who did a lot of research on these things. So again I did not like my job ( now that I am thinking of it, I might as well accept the fact that my dream job is certainly NOT in this country!), I again had boy/girl issues ( i.e being single for too long) and I had again the need to see if my life was going to get better anytime soon! Sounds pathetic eh?

Anyway, I went and as she was telling me things I was recording her words.

She said nice things and most importantly she said that I was going to fall in love soon! However, I was still sceptic, thinking that there wasn't a chance in this world that I will ever find the love of my life!

Last night, I listened, for the first time after 6 months, to that recording. And guess what! Three of the things she told me that were going to to happen have happened! She predicted that my dad will have a health issue (he 's going to be operated today), that I was going to have an issue with my hormones ( four days ago the results of my blood tests came out - I have low hormone level and low estrogen level - hence my depression I think) and that I was going to get a job offer ( I have, three months ago and started a new job, a month ago).

So I am thinking....what if the whole "you are going to fall in love very soon" is going to come true? Is it possible?