Dilemma

Life has been all about work the last couple of weeks. You cannot imagine how much. Anyway. I cannot complain, there also two trips in the meantime. One for work and one for pleasure.It was nice, changing the scenery.
You know, I have been too concerned over her, and her health. Apparently she as a tumor in her breast. So sad. I wishI was there for her. I cannot, but feel guilty. I am not there, not even as a friend. My need to stay away to find myself, means refusing to be there for her. I don't know if and how wrong I am. I feel bad.
She calls. She still wants us to be friends, she stills says that being together is unhealthy because there was no sex. She is right. I cannot see that though. Nothing has changed for me. I still have feelings. I told her that, 1 hour ago when she called. She did not comment, she only said that she thinks of me and there are things that only make sense if she tells them to me.
So you know...There is nothing I can do, I think. Not even try to be with her. And she is ill. I cannot pressure anymore. On the other hand, I can't be there for her, the way she wants me.
Why do i have the feeling that I am not thinking correctly? Maybe I should be there. Am I that strong?

Doors opening?

The weekend was sweet.

Met up with friends, went out for dinner AND clubbing, an open-air one. Also slept a lot, worked quit a bit, drunk too much coffee, thought a lot as always and wanted to have more free time to see my friends.

You know , this period , when a relationship is over and you go over a "hurting" period, is quite interesting. You realise that you've progressed as a person but don;t know how. Yet you see how different your life is now.

I am sure that I am in a better position than let's say 2 years ago.At least now I can see my issues. Not that I am happy, thinking about them, but it's a start.

It took too much pain to see that, I have been distancing people my whole life. So now, I am trying to let more people in. I am not very good at. But I am more relaxed about it. Which counts for something, right?

Too frustrated

In the past ten days she sms'ed me several times. When she saw that I wasn't going to become soft on her, she started saying the worst things to me. She told me that I am unable to love, that she was dissappointed with me and that there's nothing left for her to feel for me. Right.
And today she contacted me to tell me she's ill. Ok, this is emotional blackmail. I cannot see it otherwise. If she has problems, she should share them with her friends. Not me. She knows I care and she was very suprised when I declined her proposal for dinner. The last message, I received half an hour ago was " There is no room for cold hearted people in my life". You know something?
I 've started to realise that she doesn't care about me, that she uses things to come closer. What for? I have no idea. When I asked her what she felt for me , her only reply was " Is dissapointment a feeling? This is what I feel".
I honestly hope, she won't contact me again. I ran out of strenght, patience, space, everything. I am tired of trying to get over her.
I am tired of torturing me and this blog with things about her.
I want true love in my life. Not self-centred people.

A beautiful night and a feeling of emptiness ( in that order)

Last weekend was almost great. Went to this event, the music was excellent, the view of the sea breath taking and there was a lot of drink.
I felt nice. I flirted with the Dj, his friend and of course, that woman, that there is flirting for the past 4 years ( and nothing more).
So I wrote about it on my other blog.
And she ( you know who) must have read it cause half an hour later she smsed me "Hey, when are you going to talk to me again? I miss you".
Of course, why whould I reply? I mean it's pointless.
What I want does not give it and what she wants I cannot give back. So what's they point.
And I was thinking...you know I would want a person, if they wanted me, to make the effort. To write a big email, to come under my place and wait to talk to me. You know, a grand gesture.
She won't do it, I know. But you know... it would be nice if things were different and if there was passion in my life.
I feel empty...and if my emptiness had a shape , it would be a triangle. Sharp on the edges...

Friends? Well.....not much

The past few days all I do is work. Only.
I don't go out, I don't see people. I just work and then lie on my couch and watch TV. And that's it.
To be honest I started to panick a bit. Am I anti-social?
I feel OBLIGED to call my friends because I am thinking that if I don't do it, they will forget me and I will be left with no people around me. What worries me though, is the "obligation", because otherwise I don't really miss them.
Ok, so this is not normal right? Not missing any of my friends. Or not missing seeing them. Honestly, I am bored. Phew....now I said it. I feel bored with my friends.
I don't want to see them often e.g have a best friend and be on the phone all day with him/her and meet all the time. No, I 'd like to keep my distance.
And since I am being honest, I have to tell you that sometimes I think that I have nothing more to discuss. With none of them. They are interesting people of course, each one with different identity.
Am I going through a crisis? ( I guess)
Is it me who has the problem? ( probably)
Same old? ( certainly)

And I really do dread the weekends - arrange to go out for drinks, meet up people, not cancel it etc. Most of all I dread my non-desire to meet up with my friends.

This is the first post in a long time that is not referred to her. I think of her. She called, I did not answer. Today I woke up and felt as if she never existed....:(

Choose?

One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.

Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!

Will it ever?

My therapist insists "Vida, it's time start deciding what you want".
The days pass by, I have no clue as to what I want but I am starting to think, or rather, stating " I want a relationship that will last. I cannot go on and on with something that will have an end, just because society doesn't accept it".
After all, I am so tired of spending more time picking up my pieces than being in a relationship and HAPPY!
And honestly, I am tired of her little games. Getting drunk and kissing me or saying "our kids" etc.
And when I react ( not calmly at all) she is mad at me for taking things seriously. Oh, fuck her!
Anyways, again out of topic.
So, my therapist yesterday told me ( and I could see it in her eyes she was feeling for me) "you know it's obvious that you need to have a relationship". She didn't tell me that I am needy or anything. She just understood me.
I want love. I want to give. I want to take. I want a happy life. I want to lie ( and have sex) next to a person that I am in love with. I deserve it!
Oh...will it ever happen?

I want....?

I was thinking the other day. The last ten or so posts, were about her.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..

So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.

P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.

Imagine

I never ever expected that this beautiful creature that came into my life, last summer, would cause me now, such pain.
I don't know whether it's her fault or me being too sensitive. But it's like, last year never happened. The moments in bed making love, listening to music, looking each other in the eyes....did all this happen?
You know, I am trying to get better. To leave her out my life. She is still here. She tries to be care-free when she talks to me. On the other hand, I am trying to see her side. She says it's hard for her too. But that doesn't stop me from getting angry from some of her sms. Last night she sent "Now that you are gone, I will have to get a pet". I was so mad at her. It wasn't my choice to leave. She made me leave, by her not responding sexually. Having said nothing, I am sure we would still be together. As what? Probably as an "imaginary couple". Who am I kidding...?

So now, you might wonder "why are you still unhappy since you know that this wasn't going anywhere?". Well, I miss having a partner.

I was just thinking. I am not in the mood of doing anything with anyone. Not that I like someone. I am not even sure whether I like men or women. Plus she is still around ( are 3 months after a 9 month relationship, the normal amount of time you need to forget?).
But I only thought. I would be -that will be a miracle- with a guy if he was nothing like the usual I know, if he was serious but with a sense of humor, sensitive but powerful, cute but "manly", clever but not "smart ass".
I then would be with a woman, if she was something out of this world i.e Angelina Jolie ( ok laugh lol).
Anyway...as you can see, I am still in a still mood...

Still Life

This is the summer of hell. Although I meet my friends, do thinks, have a good time at the beach every week still....she is around!
How did things end up like that? Why does she insist on us being friends after breaking up?
Doesn't she get it? Well she is no stupid. Of course her point of view is that when two women with no previous similar experiences, break up, it's only natural to go on and become friends.
I won't argue. But for me apparently, this isn't working. It's been almost 3 months since telling her to break up and I still have intense feelings. This must mean something.
Anyway, last night there was this huge row. I ended up yelling at her. And today I don't want to talk to her for a long long time.
Why is this happening to me? Don't I deserve to be happy?
My therapist two days ago asked me, what would make me happy.
I don't have the slightest idea.
I told her I am not happy in my country, I feel as there is no challenge. Which is true.
All is the same and honestly I don't have the strenght to find new people with interests as to find something stimulating.
And she turned and said "Why don't you leave then? 30 is not too late".
Was she serious?
This must mean something...

Journeys

The days are passing by quietly. I 've been working long hours and I haven't been out much.
I feel numb. Yesterday I have started to think of making a big trip in August. Alone. It's a big step and I am thinking about it. But my therapist and my closest friend insist it will do my good. I hope. So this is a work in process.
The other thing is, I am thinking about the people who are in my life. My friends. I am not happy. I do not look forward to spend time with them. I feel bored. I need people to have a deeper connection, people that are "colourful". Yes, this is the word.
The truth is, I know that the people around me reflect my current state. So I haven't been really well the last years. Well, the last 10 years. Sad, isn't it? I haven't been happy for a long time.
So my task is to find a way to be around people that will inspire me. And I know that I can offer a lot to them. I am tired of people with no happiness in life. And most of my friends are like this...the closest ones.

The other thing. Last night she came to my place, after 3 weeks that I did not see her. She was a mess. Her grandma was at the hospital, very ill. She couldn't sleep. She came in, kissed me on the cheek ( ok I know I shouldn't interpret the slightest detail), and then went to bed! I did not expect that. She acted like it was normal. I did not invite her to sleep. But she did. Why? No idea.
I went, we slept ( only) and during the night I woke up and she was hugging me, taking care of me, covering me with the sheets. I am sure this is love. What kind of? That I do not know.
And she kept saying " This house needs me"....as in , in my daily life.
I woke up today, I did not comment on any of the things she said. I cannot go through this again. Whatever will be will be.
And later she sent me an sms : my grandma died.
I felt sorry. But at least I know, it did her good sleeping there.
I am tired...

Closure?

Right after I wrote the previous post, last night, she called me.
We talked for about an hour. She said that she wants ot be in my life, but as friend.
She knew that this story would have a bad ending and her being straight was another reason why things weren't working out. You know....I can see where she is coming from. I understand her.
I yelled at her tough. I was so angry that summer is here and I feel lonely and missing her the whole time. But to tell you the truth, I never imagined myself being with a woman for the rest of my life. I want something that will give me peace and serenity. And living a small country, in a close-minded community means that this someone, cannot be a same sex partner.
With her I felt like I had a partner. Strange feeling for me. But I guess I was ready for a relationship. And she came into my life and became that person that I wanted to share things. But the bad thing was that she was a woman...
Bad luck.

I hope last night's talk was the closure of a very hurtful period.
No one deserves this much unhappiness. I cannt handle it anymore.
I want love that will last.

The bigger picture

So the days are passing by, 7 since Monday. I am doing well. Not regretting at all for my decision. Although I am still angry. At myself. This story went too far.

Anyway. So there was the "oh just wanted to tell you a gossip" sms, in which I did not answer. My question is : doesn't she get it?

Maybe she is trying to be friends. Well, this time I will sent my rules. Have the people I want in my life and with my terms. Which is the exact opposite I was doing with her.

A friend of mine, a dearest one who is living abroad now told me something really important in her latest email "Instead of looking at the tree, try to see the forest".

Yes, I really do have a lot of work to do with myself. Oh and, find moments of true happiness.

These days I am busy :)

The last sms ( I hope)

"I quit. Don't you ever dare try to contact me again". An a sms at 1am last night.
I haven't written for more than a week. There was nothing important going on. There was also a trip so I was away.
So she never stayed out of my life as I requested. But the fault was mine. Not only did I let her in, I was hoping that in a magical way she would change and we would be happy together again. As if!
She came with me, to my trip to see some friends of hers. She knew I had a schedule, but she insisted on seeing me. I was intrigued by this attitute...would it be possible that she wanted us to be together again? I was troubled but at the same time I was hoping that she was going to come back to me. I was trying the whole time to touch her, to hug, to kiss....I am so used to this trying...these past months have only being this. It's horrible believe me.
One night we were at a club. She said something about a guy, I asked if she would hit on him if I wasn't there. She laughed and said " of course not, we are together". What? I turned smiling. She smiled back with this wicked way. She corrected her self " Well, that slipped out of my mouth but subconcsciously we are together". Oh I got so pissed! What do you mean subconsciously?? oh come on! I stayed away from her for half an hour. I couln't believe my ears. She was playing with me again. And not only did she do that, but she got mad at me for being angry. And as a fool I tried to calm her down.
So you see...this wasn't a moment I will be proud of. And many others.
Last night we went to this concert. With her best friend. I was very ok with this whole situation. But then I was noticing she was more with her than with me. Oh well....
We went out, she was walking in front of me with her friend. And I was left behind. God...was this happening to me? She took me first to my place, her friend second. She didn't even try to take me home last so she would see me a bit, or even come up.
So I smsed her "you could've tried to take me home last. I just quit trying with you".
Her reply ? " I am tired of your self centred love"!
Self centred? Not wanting to be a number 2 for a person I have as my number 1? For a person that keeps teasing and encouraging me with her words that there is a thing going between us?
So I sent the sms...
She never replied back.
I hope she keeps it that way. Because I don't need this in my life.
I deserve more. I deserve love , respect and happiness.

How do you end something?

Yesterday morning, I woke up looked myself in the mirror and thought "I really do deserve something better than that. Something with passion with someone who will want me for everything I am". It felt good. I even smiled you know.
And I was really ok and happy during the day. I was thinking of her but I was certain that I didn't want anything more from her.
But then something happened. She smsed me asking me to meet and talk about us. I didn't reply at once and ten minutes later she wrote again "nevermind, sorry". She didn't give me the chance to reply. Was that another tactic of causing me guilt? 2 hours later another sms "fancy dinner on the porch with wine and nice music". I called and said that I already had plans. I really did have plans. She didn't say much, she sounded bit sad. I was thinking of her. I really didn't want to go back to something that caused me more pain tha joy from October onwards.
This morning I wrote her that I did not disappearn on purpose and if she really did want to meet. Said she had things to do today. So I replied "Look, i said all I had to say. It's you that wants to talk. When you want, you will find time to talk to me even on the phone".
I think I was fair.
But to be honest....I don't want to see her. It brings back memories. And certainly a dinner on the house that once thought as "mine" wasn't gonna help me get over this.
Why does she want to see me? To cause me guilt? About what? I really don't understand her.

This morning I had a dream. There was this woman, a friend of a friend of mine. We were sort of going to have sex ( oh yes!) and she stared at me and said "not on the mouth. let's do the rest". So we had wild sex against the wall even if she didn't want to kiss! Talk about traumatic months....

Sms with no meaning.

I told her "I need distance and space" and she said she won't call me back again, only when I want to. I thought that this time she would respect it.

As if this was going to happen. 

Two nights after, last night, she goes to a concert, and at 12am she writes me some lyrics:

"The lives of two people who got together so passionately, don't grow apart so easily".

Oh I got so pissed. What the fuck does she want from me? She wants to be friends and I want a partner. I made that very clear to her.

I replied "Maybe one day we will be friends", trying to avoid the lyrics. She didn't get it.

At 330am she wrote "All I meant was that you mean the world to me".

I never answered back. Ok she is obsessed with me as a friend, as a blogger...whatever.

Why should I suffer?

Finally something happened.

I guess the waiting was worth it. During this past month ( since the break up), I managed to see what I wanted from her and this kin of relationship, I was observing her behaviour ( you can't do that when you are into the relationship and the other person seems..."perfect") and I was starting to realise the mistakes I made when I was with her.

All this time though I had an inner hope that we would be back again at some point. Stupid me, I was thinking that I could handle the "no sex" issue and at some point things would be as they were last summer. After all she was saying things that made me think that it was possible. Silly her.

But last night I emailed her. Told her that I have feelings of course. Asked her if she was in love. She replied "kind of". And then I called her. Talked, cried ( well me, she was calm....shall I call her insensitive?) and made a decision. " I don't want to see you, I want distance, this whole thing of "not a relationship not a friendship" is not working for me". She said she will respect her. Of course I don't trust her on it. But now I know that they only person who can set the limits is me, not her. Cause she is a fucked up person, who does not see that she is hurting people, she thinks she is cool and that her motto "that's life" is crap. Ok, I am going through the phase of really not liking her. I don't want to think of the good moments ( they were happening until only a couple of months ago) because I will start crying. And you know what? I don't think she will cry and last night she sounded so calm and distant that it pisses me off now that I think of it.

Anyway, enough talking. Tomorrow is the first day of the summer. I must mean something good. I won't see her ( until friday where we meet for a work thing) and time will heal. I am sure she thinks I need only a few days away from her. Ha ha, she will see that deleting her means a lot more time. But then I won't care.

I missed being happy....

Still waiting

Last week, I went on a trip and I disappeared from her life. I didn't answer the phone and I did not reply to her sms. "Part of a strategy" my friends were telling me thinking I was dating a guy. I listened to them but I was wondering if they knew she was a woman....would their advice change?

Anyway, I did not contact her, I was feeling confused.

I came back, we  met for dinner 2 days after. She was talkative, I wasn't, she has hugging me and I wasn't hugging back. One or two times she tried to kiss me, but I turned my head so she kissed the cheek. Not that if she kissed me on the lips anything more would happen. She still "can't function sexually with anyone", Yes! The exact woman who was all over me during last summer. That person , the one I was grateful that I was receiving so much love from. She is like an iceberg. The only think she does is hug and saying " Yes of course I am in love but I don't see you sexually". Talking about paranoid...

Two nights ago she stayed at my place cause she was too tired to go back to hers. We are 'friends' now. She slept in my bed, asking me if I was really ok with it.  I was. I missed her.

Ww lied on the bed and....

NOTHING! on on the one side of the bed and the other on the far end. For a whole night. Although she did say the day aterwards that she was waking up in the middle of the night and was finding herself sleeping all over me. 

We woke up in the morning, as usual, as if nothing had happened. She got dressed , had breakfast and left. Oh and kissed me on the lips. Just a simple kiss

And now I am like "Fuck, still stuck on her". I want to be with her, even when she says she can't imagine sex wit me. Am I that idiot??

Don't I realise that I deserve more?

Well....if I behave logically I would say " oh come on forget it and get on with your life woman. Find a nice man, fall in love with him, have sex all the time without wondering if he wants you". It would save me a lot of tears and questions.

But then it's me....I do miss her, I built up my dreams according to hers and yes, I did imagine this to last.

But the truth is...she doesn't know what she wants from me. (or does she and I choose not to see it? - well, she is in my life, she wants to be part of it. But on the other hand she is not like she used ot, all over me).

The important questions is...Why do I insist on WASTING my time?

Is it waste?

Is it love or habit?

I don't know.

I am still confused and I can't do anything else but wait.

For what? For things to get clarified on their own. Because I really can't do it on my own.

Waiting...

I went to the therapist today. Told her I am confused because I don't know why I keep insisting to get back with my ex ( first time i am writing it). Do I really want her back? Do I just miss the companion? Shall I start seeing guys? And why am I insisting on something that will have an end for sure? After some months, maybe a year. And then I will be almost 32 and panicked that I haven't gotten serious with a guy.

She asked me if I considered starting dating guys. No, I really don't want to. My heart, body and soul are all set to the the ex.

The funny thing is I don't know why. The ex doesn't know what she wants from me, I keep asking her, she never answers. She does not want to leave my life and yesterday she said "Yes I am still in love and yes there are moments where I don't see you as a friend". And she keeps me hanging on ( as the song says). 

So where does that leave me? In waiting.

But the question is : Is it worth it? And what do I really need?

Too many questions, none is answered.

I am too confused to find these answers. 

I leave this to Time. It's his/her job to show me the way. 

I cannot do it. Not by myself and not now.

The Dead End....the birth of a new beginning?

So I split up. After, what 9 months? It was no suprise. Things were over a long time ago, I just chose not to see it. Maybe she didn't either. Maybe this comfort zone suited her. I don't know if I tried to fix things, would help. I really believe there is no future in this relationship. She doesn't want to try, I want to be happy. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe two women, with no experience in such a relationship, aren't meant to be together.
I try not to talk to her. She calls me on job matters and sometimes sends sms for irrelavant things. But she only wants to be friends now. She believes that it's that easy.
Well, for me it's not. I still have feelings. I still care. I still miss "us".
So I keep away from her. Because there's not going to be another try. I can feel it. She is like a wall, no bending.
I feel that I 've neglected my needs in this relationship. I did not handle it well. I let go of myself and was there only for her. Big mistake.Noted, for next time.
When will it be? Well I don't know. Definitely not soon.
I have work to do. To find myself.