I was thinking the other day. The last ten or so posts, were about her.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..
So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.
P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..
So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.
P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.
4 comments:
Hi Vida :-)
It's so tough, isn't it. That knowing what you want. I have pretty much everybody in my life (who's had to put up with my wailing and moaning about being unloved and unlovable) tell me I'm giving out mixed signals because I don't know what I want. So knowing what I want in order that I can show it and then get it is high on my to-do list. Only, erm, still haven't figured that out.
I mean love, obviously, but what if someone fell in love with me then I'd have to be nice to her and then, oh god, that'd be too much for me...
tough. Yes. So if you figure ANYTHING out, let me know in case it helps, ok!
Hey mimey!
Well, i am sure you can be nice to her, if you find her. That's not the problem, trust me.
Well, I am trying to see if I want a her or a him...
It's so difficult!
Being with a "her" seems so easy. But I was never cut out for the easy ones...
And if you do find out how to figure things out, you tell me as well!
You don't have to choose. 'they' want us all in neat boxes, but real life's far more complicated than that. It's hard when you don't even know yourself. I've recently been completely sure I'm lesbian, and then I saw this guy's biceps yesterday, and maybe it's jealousy coz they're better defined than mine, but it raises loads of questions. And it should be fine to exist and have questions, but I don't like the turmoil and would just like things to be easy once in a while. You're DEFINITELY not the only person who's confused though.
Oh, I really know what you mean...
I am saying to myself " oh I'd love a guy with a nice body and an easy relationship".
Then, I watch on telly, some women and I am like...."grrr confusing".
anyway....there must be an answer...
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