Journeys

The days are passing by quietly. I 've been working long hours and I haven't been out much.
I feel numb. Yesterday I have started to think of making a big trip in August. Alone. It's a big step and I am thinking about it. But my therapist and my closest friend insist it will do my good. I hope. So this is a work in process.
The other thing is, I am thinking about the people who are in my life. My friends. I am not happy. I do not look forward to spend time with them. I feel bored. I need people to have a deeper connection, people that are "colourful". Yes, this is the word.
The truth is, I know that the people around me reflect my current state. So I haven't been really well the last years. Well, the last 10 years. Sad, isn't it? I haven't been happy for a long time.
So my task is to find a way to be around people that will inspire me. And I know that I can offer a lot to them. I am tired of people with no happiness in life. And most of my friends are like this...the closest ones.

The other thing. Last night she came to my place, after 3 weeks that I did not see her. She was a mess. Her grandma was at the hospital, very ill. She couldn't sleep. She came in, kissed me on the cheek ( ok I know I shouldn't interpret the slightest detail), and then went to bed! I did not expect that. She acted like it was normal. I did not invite her to sleep. But she did. Why? No idea.
I went, we slept ( only) and during the night I woke up and she was hugging me, taking care of me, covering me with the sheets. I am sure this is love. What kind of? That I do not know.
And she kept saying " This house needs me"....as in , in my daily life.
I woke up today, I did not comment on any of the things she said. I cannot go through this again. Whatever will be will be.
And later she sent me an sms : my grandma died.
I felt sorry. But at least I know, it did her good sleeping there.
I am tired...

Closure?

Right after I wrote the previous post, last night, she called me.
We talked for about an hour. She said that she wants ot be in my life, but as friend.
She knew that this story would have a bad ending and her being straight was another reason why things weren't working out. You know....I can see where she is coming from. I understand her.
I yelled at her tough. I was so angry that summer is here and I feel lonely and missing her the whole time. But to tell you the truth, I never imagined myself being with a woman for the rest of my life. I want something that will give me peace and serenity. And living a small country, in a close-minded community means that this someone, cannot be a same sex partner.
With her I felt like I had a partner. Strange feeling for me. But I guess I was ready for a relationship. And she came into my life and became that person that I wanted to share things. But the bad thing was that she was a woman...
Bad luck.

I hope last night's talk was the closure of a very hurtful period.
No one deserves this much unhappiness. I cannt handle it anymore.
I want love that will last.

The bigger picture

So the days are passing by, 7 since Monday. I am doing well. Not regretting at all for my decision. Although I am still angry. At myself. This story went too far.

Anyway. So there was the "oh just wanted to tell you a gossip" sms, in which I did not answer. My question is : doesn't she get it?

Maybe she is trying to be friends. Well, this time I will sent my rules. Have the people I want in my life and with my terms. Which is the exact opposite I was doing with her.

A friend of mine, a dearest one who is living abroad now told me something really important in her latest email "Instead of looking at the tree, try to see the forest".

Yes, I really do have a lot of work to do with myself. Oh and, find moments of true happiness.

These days I am busy :)

The last sms ( I hope)

"I quit. Don't you ever dare try to contact me again". An a sms at 1am last night.
I haven't written for more than a week. There was nothing important going on. There was also a trip so I was away.
So she never stayed out of my life as I requested. But the fault was mine. Not only did I let her in, I was hoping that in a magical way she would change and we would be happy together again. As if!
She came with me, to my trip to see some friends of hers. She knew I had a schedule, but she insisted on seeing me. I was intrigued by this attitute...would it be possible that she wanted us to be together again? I was troubled but at the same time I was hoping that she was going to come back to me. I was trying the whole time to touch her, to hug, to kiss....I am so used to this trying...these past months have only being this. It's horrible believe me.
One night we were at a club. She said something about a guy, I asked if she would hit on him if I wasn't there. She laughed and said " of course not, we are together". What? I turned smiling. She smiled back with this wicked way. She corrected her self " Well, that slipped out of my mouth but subconcsciously we are together". Oh I got so pissed! What do you mean subconsciously?? oh come on! I stayed away from her for half an hour. I couln't believe my ears. She was playing with me again. And not only did she do that, but she got mad at me for being angry. And as a fool I tried to calm her down.
So you see...this wasn't a moment I will be proud of. And many others.
Last night we went to this concert. With her best friend. I was very ok with this whole situation. But then I was noticing she was more with her than with me. Oh well....
We went out, she was walking in front of me with her friend. And I was left behind. God...was this happening to me? She took me first to my place, her friend second. She didn't even try to take me home last so she would see me a bit, or even come up.
So I smsed her "you could've tried to take me home last. I just quit trying with you".
Her reply ? " I am tired of your self centred love"!
Self centred? Not wanting to be a number 2 for a person I have as my number 1? For a person that keeps teasing and encouraging me with her words that there is a thing going between us?
So I sent the sms...
She never replied back.
I hope she keeps it that way. Because I don't need this in my life.
I deserve more. I deserve love , respect and happiness.

How do you end something?

Yesterday morning, I woke up looked myself in the mirror and thought "I really do deserve something better than that. Something with passion with someone who will want me for everything I am". It felt good. I even smiled you know.
And I was really ok and happy during the day. I was thinking of her but I was certain that I didn't want anything more from her.
But then something happened. She smsed me asking me to meet and talk about us. I didn't reply at once and ten minutes later she wrote again "nevermind, sorry". She didn't give me the chance to reply. Was that another tactic of causing me guilt? 2 hours later another sms "fancy dinner on the porch with wine and nice music". I called and said that I already had plans. I really did have plans. She didn't say much, she sounded bit sad. I was thinking of her. I really didn't want to go back to something that caused me more pain tha joy from October onwards.
This morning I wrote her that I did not disappearn on purpose and if she really did want to meet. Said she had things to do today. So I replied "Look, i said all I had to say. It's you that wants to talk. When you want, you will find time to talk to me even on the phone".
I think I was fair.
But to be honest....I don't want to see her. It brings back memories. And certainly a dinner on the house that once thought as "mine" wasn't gonna help me get over this.
Why does she want to see me? To cause me guilt? About what? I really don't understand her.

This morning I had a dream. There was this woman, a friend of a friend of mine. We were sort of going to have sex ( oh yes!) and she stared at me and said "not on the mouth. let's do the rest". So we had wild sex against the wall even if she didn't want to kiss! Talk about traumatic months....

Sms with no meaning.

I told her "I need distance and space" and she said she won't call me back again, only when I want to. I thought that this time she would respect it.

As if this was going to happen. 

Two nights after, last night, she goes to a concert, and at 12am she writes me some lyrics:

"The lives of two people who got together so passionately, don't grow apart so easily".

Oh I got so pissed. What the fuck does she want from me? She wants to be friends and I want a partner. I made that very clear to her.

I replied "Maybe one day we will be friends", trying to avoid the lyrics. She didn't get it.

At 330am she wrote "All I meant was that you mean the world to me".

I never answered back. Ok she is obsessed with me as a friend, as a blogger...whatever.

Why should I suffer?