The days are passing by quietly. I 've been working long hours and I haven't been out much.
I feel numb. Yesterday I have started to think of making a big trip in August. Alone. It's a big step and I am thinking about it. But my therapist and my closest friend insist it will do my good. I hope. So this is a work in process.
The other thing is, I am thinking about the people who are in my life. My friends. I am not happy. I do not look forward to spend time with them. I feel bored. I need people to have a deeper connection, people that are "colourful". Yes, this is the word.
The truth is, I know that the people around me reflect my current state. So I haven't been really well the last years. Well, the last 10 years. Sad, isn't it? I haven't been happy for a long time.
So my task is to find a way to be around people that will inspire me. And I know that I can offer a lot to them. I am tired of people with no happiness in life. And most of my friends are like this...the closest ones.
The other thing. Last night she came to my place, after 3 weeks that I did not see her. She was a mess. Her grandma was at the hospital, very ill. She couldn't sleep. She came in, kissed me on the cheek ( ok I know I shouldn't interpret the slightest detail), and then went to bed! I did not expect that. She acted like it was normal. I did not invite her to sleep. But she did. Why? No idea.
I went, we slept ( only) and during the night I woke up and she was hugging me, taking care of me, covering me with the sheets. I am sure this is love. What kind of? That I do not know.
And she kept saying " This house needs me"....as in , in my daily life.
I woke up today, I did not comment on any of the things she said. I cannot go through this again. Whatever will be will be.
And later she sent me an sms : my grandma died.
I felt sorry. But at least I know, it did her good sleeping there.
I am tired...
I feel numb. Yesterday I have started to think of making a big trip in August. Alone. It's a big step and I am thinking about it. But my therapist and my closest friend insist it will do my good. I hope. So this is a work in process.
The other thing is, I am thinking about the people who are in my life. My friends. I am not happy. I do not look forward to spend time with them. I feel bored. I need people to have a deeper connection, people that are "colourful". Yes, this is the word.
The truth is, I know that the people around me reflect my current state. So I haven't been really well the last years. Well, the last 10 years. Sad, isn't it? I haven't been happy for a long time.
So my task is to find a way to be around people that will inspire me. And I know that I can offer a lot to them. I am tired of people with no happiness in life. And most of my friends are like this...the closest ones.
The other thing. Last night she came to my place, after 3 weeks that I did not see her. She was a mess. Her grandma was at the hospital, very ill. She couldn't sleep. She came in, kissed me on the cheek ( ok I know I shouldn't interpret the slightest detail), and then went to bed! I did not expect that. She acted like it was normal. I did not invite her to sleep. But she did. Why? No idea.
I went, we slept ( only) and during the night I woke up and she was hugging me, taking care of me, covering me with the sheets. I am sure this is love. What kind of? That I do not know.
And she kept saying " This house needs me"....as in , in my daily life.
I woke up today, I did not comment on any of the things she said. I cannot go through this again. Whatever will be will be.
And later she sent me an sms : my grandma died.
I felt sorry. But at least I know, it did her good sleeping there.
I am tired...
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