Still waiting

Last week, I went on a trip and I disappeared from her life. I didn't answer the phone and I did not reply to her sms. "Part of a strategy" my friends were telling me thinking I was dating a guy. I listened to them but I was wondering if they knew she was a woman....would their advice change?

Anyway, I did not contact her, I was feeling confused.

I came back, we  met for dinner 2 days after. She was talkative, I wasn't, she has hugging me and I wasn't hugging back. One or two times she tried to kiss me, but I turned my head so she kissed the cheek. Not that if she kissed me on the lips anything more would happen. She still "can't function sexually with anyone", Yes! The exact woman who was all over me during last summer. That person , the one I was grateful that I was receiving so much love from. She is like an iceberg. The only think she does is hug and saying " Yes of course I am in love but I don't see you sexually". Talking about paranoid...

Two nights ago she stayed at my place cause she was too tired to go back to hers. We are 'friends' now. She slept in my bed, asking me if I was really ok with it.  I was. I missed her.

Ww lied on the bed and....

NOTHING! on on the one side of the bed and the other on the far end. For a whole night. Although she did say the day aterwards that she was waking up in the middle of the night and was finding herself sleeping all over me. 

We woke up in the morning, as usual, as if nothing had happened. She got dressed , had breakfast and left. Oh and kissed me on the lips. Just a simple kiss

And now I am like "Fuck, still stuck on her". I want to be with her, even when she says she can't imagine sex wit me. Am I that idiot??

Don't I realise that I deserve more?

Well....if I behave logically I would say " oh come on forget it and get on with your life woman. Find a nice man, fall in love with him, have sex all the time without wondering if he wants you". It would save me a lot of tears and questions.

But then it's me....I do miss her, I built up my dreams according to hers and yes, I did imagine this to last.

But the truth is...she doesn't know what she wants from me. (or does she and I choose not to see it? - well, she is in my life, she wants to be part of it. But on the other hand she is not like she used ot, all over me).

The important questions is...Why do I insist on WASTING my time?

Is it waste?

Is it love or habit?

I don't know.

I am still confused and I can't do anything else but wait.

For what? For things to get clarified on their own. Because I really can't do it on my own.