One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.
Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!
2 comments:
"Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of."
"How did my life turn like that?"
You really write for me, sometimes.
It's so hard realising what you thought wasn't how things really were, if that makes any sense. Every time we fall in love, I reckon, we fall for a compromise, lie to ourselves it's close enough to what we need that it's good for us. I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit cynical. At the moment I want to build a castle around myself and shoot arrows at anyone who tries to get in, while wailing about how awful it is that there's no one holding my hand.
I may use that image in a poem.
Heartbreak isn't a total waste if you can write about it.
Did you find it liberating though, to assert yourself and wish for nothing? I reckon there's something powerful in that.
Hope you're surviving it ok.
hey,
Well it does make sense.
As for the compromise...well I dont know anyone who got what they wanted and I dont think we are the ideal for any person out there. I don't mind the compromise and I don't mind accepting flaws. I do mind indecisive people and people who show other things at the beginning and other things later on.
Listen, I feel like building a castle around me. But you know, I really do want to find a person. It's good to have sex, sleep with someone, be in love.
But at the same time I am thinking that I am better off staying at home, watching movies and doing nothing. So this is a castle I guess right?
Wishing for nothing...it was kind of liberating. Cause I am not expecting anything anymore. So I am not close to her in order to get a "sign".
I mean...she did call me today and I didnt call back. I feel "secure".
I am doing ok mimey...I just wish I wasn't single...(I really don't recognise myself)
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