Single again

I haven't written in a long time. I read my last post and I realise that I have been having a hard time, for 3 months now. Do you think it's normal to have the perfect time and be in love with someone for 2 months and the same portion, filled with sorrow? I dont' think it is.
I broke up two days ago. For the third time. But now I am sure that there is no turning back. She doesn't want me as a lover, only as a friend. I guess she likes me as a person. Only.
Do I mind? Well yes...I fell for her. Although she claims she fell in love with me, I can't help but wonder, whether this was love or just a deep connection. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
The point is that in a relationship we are all entitled in having all our needs fullfilled, emotional and physical. I felt for a long time ( God, things were dying for a long time - how did I not see it?), that this was a "half" relationship. I was ready for it, she wasn't.
In fact I was ready to commit, to love, and to dedicate myself to one person. Something that until 6 months ago, I was sure I couldn't, I thought it wasn't who I was meant to be.
But now I now...I can do it.
Maybe this is the best thing that came out of this whole 5 month story.
My friends tell me it's a great achievement and at the end of the day I am the winner.
Probably they are right.
But at the moment I am so emotionally hurt that I cannot even think about it. My only thought is that I am too tired of being single. Really.

Time for change?

Change. A word that I have been afraid my whole life. The funny thing is though that my life has been most about changes. Never did what girls at my age did when I was younger and now I never do what women of my age normally do. I just do my things. Which are MY things. And I wouldn't mind to keep being the black sheep, but I noticed that in the last couple of years I did not do any important changes. Of course some people who know me would say that changing jobs, falling in love, making many new friends ( most of them acquaintances), living on my own have been more than just "changes". But I don't feel this way.

I feel that now I have more insecurities than ever. I cannot stand being alone anymore, even if that means staying at home 1-2 nights during the week. I just can't. And now I am with somebody it's even worse. I feel sooo insecure. We are not always together. I guess having this kind of relationship where most people don't know about it's kind of difficult.

So I need to change. I need to be stronger and able to stay positive more than just half an hour. Because otherwise I won't stand me. I need to change and become more optimistic.

So my first change is stick to my training and losing weight program. Not for health reasons etc. I am thinking that when I feel good about my body I will automatically start feeling good about my inside too. So I try. Really hard. I need this change. I need to start from here, the exterior of me. And then I will see. I just hope it won't be too late.

Until the end of September...

...I will wait until it ends.
They keep telling that September is the start of new things, the beginning of the new year and that we should program our daily lives.
So I was forced to "forget" my best summer moments ever ( yes I had a beautiful summer full of love, friends, swimming, lots of sun and great moments) and be part of the daily life.
So I programmed my life once again. I started the gym, a new work project, I went shopping to see the new season fashion. And I tried to fit my love into my daily life.
Boy, that was difficult!
Maybe I am not good in adjusting, maybe I am. Well the thing is that this whole programming thing is yet to begin. People are in a strange mood ( I guess trying to adjust as well).
We organise our nights out but not very good. I plan in my head dinners for friends and for people to meet my new love. But plans stay in my head! Oh I need to find a way to organise me.

I feel a strange pressure to "grow up". I am not a grown up! and I turned 30!
Ohhhh those summer moments!

summer moments

yes!

bad luck ha ha!

I like a straight woman....fuck. Believe me people, that's even worse than being single!
It's even worse than having a guy emailing you pretending he is a dog (!) who wants to have a master and he gives you his phone number....how pathetic is that?? Oh yeah, this is the guy previously mentioned...
It's even worse than the fact that all I do is work and it's summer! It's even worse than the fact that I am bad at what I do these days!
I like her!! Frustrating!


Bad luck right? Yes!

summer love?

I think I like someone....
is it because it's summer?
or is it the fact that I haven't liked someone for a long time?
That person just gets my attention
and the funny thing is that I suspect we don't have many things in common.
I am far more cynical. The person sounds romantic, sensitive, low profile. I am none of these!

But i try to be cool about it. I mean when you are taken for granted, they tend to just ignore you. So you have to keep a certain distance BUT on the other hand you have to know when to give a little bit of yourself .
How funny is that? I guess it's human psychology.

I like you...

How to start over?

Last Sunday I had one of the most truthful conversations of the last months.
Was at a friend's house, sitting on the porch, talking about travel, life, the summer.
She and I, have something in common. We both need to get away, even for a few months.
She's been planning a trip to Latin America whereas I am not sure where to head to (hell, I am not even sure if I will ever manage to "escape").
The last two times we got together we talked about my feelings towards love, men and women. She knows me pretty well, she knows parts of my love life. So, by now, she knows that I need to have the chance to be able to choose. But to choose I need to see both sides.

So at some point she said " You need to get away, go someplace else and see who you are. You tell me that you need to belong. But in order for you to belong to someone or in a relationship, first of all you need to belong to yourself".

She was right, God I know.
But it's been so long since the last time I really knew who I was. It's like someone else is running my life and let me tell you, they ain't doing a good job!
My friend's words are since then in my head.
And also this trip I need to take. Even for a few months. I need to start over.