bad luck ha ha!

I like a straight woman....fuck. Believe me people, that's even worse than being single!
It's even worse than having a guy emailing you pretending he is a dog (!) who wants to have a master and he gives you his phone number....how pathetic is that?? Oh yeah, this is the guy previously mentioned...
It's even worse than the fact that all I do is work and it's summer! It's even worse than the fact that I am bad at what I do these days!
I like her!! Frustrating!


Bad luck right? Yes!

summer love?

I think I like someone....
is it because it's summer?
or is it the fact that I haven't liked someone for a long time?
That person just gets my attention
and the funny thing is that I suspect we don't have many things in common.
I am far more cynical. The person sounds romantic, sensitive, low profile. I am none of these!

But i try to be cool about it. I mean when you are taken for granted, they tend to just ignore you. So you have to keep a certain distance BUT on the other hand you have to know when to give a little bit of yourself .
How funny is that? I guess it's human psychology.

I like you...

How to start over?

Last Sunday I had one of the most truthful conversations of the last months.
Was at a friend's house, sitting on the porch, talking about travel, life, the summer.
She and I, have something in common. We both need to get away, even for a few months.
She's been planning a trip to Latin America whereas I am not sure where to head to (hell, I am not even sure if I will ever manage to "escape").
The last two times we got together we talked about my feelings towards love, men and women. She knows me pretty well, she knows parts of my love life. So, by now, she knows that I need to have the chance to be able to choose. But to choose I need to see both sides.

So at some point she said " You need to get away, go someplace else and see who you are. You tell me that you need to belong. But in order for you to belong to someone or in a relationship, first of all you need to belong to yourself".

She was right, God I know.
But it's been so long since the last time I really knew who I was. It's like someone else is running my life and let me tell you, they ain't doing a good job!
My friend's words are since then in my head.
And also this trip I need to take. Even for a few months. I need to start over.

What is my path?

So, the guy magically disappeared...well, I had my part in it, but I am sure if things were working between us, he would make an effort, or for that matter, I would.
Anyways, no harm done if you ask me. Suddenly I realised that I had compromised too much in that situation. But as always, at the end I snapped out of it and did what I thought was right for me.
So what is right when it comes to your life?
I mean, how do you know that the things you decide NOW will be good for you LATER?
Or, what if the decisions you make now, will be bad and you ll end up miserable?
I am not sure how this thing works. However, during the past couple of weeks, I 've been thinking and regreting about the things I did not do, the moments that I was a coward.
I am not even sure if these thoughts are a result of my current - not the most positive- state of mind or just the plain facts.
And on top of that, I am still wondering....I am old enough to know what I want. But I don't.
Aren't I suppose to have chosen by now a path? Or even take risks?
The last time I took a risk was a few years back when I decided to change jobs and my whole career path. But since then I have been such a coward, not taking risks, not choosing.
And it's so frustrating!!

I think I am wrong

My love life sucks. And I am not overstating. It does.
1.I am pretending to be something I am not i.e a totally straight woman.
2. I met this guy, who is funny, clever, intellectual BUT I cannot imagine myself kissing him
3. I am such a coward that I know at the end of the day (of my life) I am going to regret not following my heart.
4. I am not even sure whether to go on with the guy or just ditch him. I cannot even have an opinion on the matter. Such a coward!
5. I have a high sex drive, but since I am not so much into guys, although I pretend to be, high libido is a curse!
6. Coward coward coward!

Here comes the sun baby....

Remember this song by Nina Simone?


This is how I feel this day. Today I let the sun burn my skin just a bit.
I opened my car window and let the fresh air and the flower scents come into my world.
And the sun was there, welcoming me, giving me the much needed light and energy.
Thank you!

I was kinda low this weekend. On a scale of ten I would rate my mood a two. Yes, only a two.
I went out, met with friends, went to the cinema but still...

I "tried" to be alone at my home, on Sunday, all by myself. I need it this period.
It helps me to accept me. Or, rather it helps me "find" who I really am.
And although sometimes, I cannot stand being alone in my empty apartment, I think that's a stage that I need to go through.

I guess I haven't been loving me enough during the last couple of years.
And although I did lots of things like reading many books, watching a lot of movies, going to art galleries, traveling, educating my self in other words I still did not teach myself how to be,
just be.

So this is my task for this spring ( and summer)....

...with a little help from the sun!

To the friends concerned

To my good friend.

Thanks for existing in my life...I am happier with you in it

Thanks for being there when I needed you...sometimes I can't make it on my own.

Thanks for the support, the love, the laughs, the good moments...I often need uplifting these days.

Thanks for seeing through me...there are times that I cannot express what I think, or am.

Thanks for the silence...it has more content that all the words in the world.

Thanks for the space you are giving me to breathe...I need it.

Thanks for making me want to become a better person...it makes me love you even more.

Promise to be there for you...thanks

To the former friend

Thanks for giving me a lesson about who is worth getting my love, my attention and my time.

Thanks for helping me realizing my priorities...I now start to know who my friends are

Thanks for not being there when I needed you...I became stronger.

Thanks for being selfish, self-centred and immature...helped me realised what I need NOT to be.

Thanks for wasting my feelings towards you...it made me give more love to the people who deserve it all.

Friendship is simple after all isn't it?