Choose?

One message was enough.
Almost two weeks ago, I realised I couldn't take it anymore. She behaved way too cool for me to stand it. So I smsed "between friendship and nothing, I choose nothing". And that was it. She did not protest, she did not mind. She only said "ok, if this is what you want". It was so easy for her.
I didn't reply. To tell you the truth, at the beginning I felt some relief. I wouldn't have to interpret her mixed signals anymore.
The days passed by. Not easily, I must admit. I was on holidays, swimming all day, sunbathing, with friends...what else could I ask? Well, there was something...to share my life with the love of my life.
I am telling you, I don't recognise me anymore. Me, the person who never wanted to be with anyone, now it's almost the only thing I am thinking of.
And on top of that, I have to chose! Man-woman-man? Babies? Secrecy? Passion? Get over past's fears? So complicated.
How did my life turn like that? How wrong I was?
It's so frustrating you know! Not knowing how your life is so fucked up! And most importantly, how to fix it.

Of course, she smsed me some days later " I hope you are fine and that you are feeling super".
How stupid. I replied " I am fine". And that was it. Silence. I am so mad! And I really don't want to cross paths with her. Honestly!

Will it ever?

My therapist insists "Vida, it's time start deciding what you want".
The days pass by, I have no clue as to what I want but I am starting to think, or rather, stating " I want a relationship that will last. I cannot go on and on with something that will have an end, just because society doesn't accept it".
After all, I am so tired of spending more time picking up my pieces than being in a relationship and HAPPY!
And honestly, I am tired of her little games. Getting drunk and kissing me or saying "our kids" etc.
And when I react ( not calmly at all) she is mad at me for taking things seriously. Oh, fuck her!
Anyways, again out of topic.
So, my therapist yesterday told me ( and I could see it in her eyes she was feeling for me) "you know it's obvious that you need to have a relationship". She didn't tell me that I am needy or anything. She just understood me.
I want love. I want to give. I want to take. I want a happy life. I want to lie ( and have sex) next to a person that I am in love with. I deserve it!
Oh...will it ever happen?

I want....?

I was thinking the other day. The last ten or so posts, were about her.
Of course it was natural...it was a break up.
But then, I am starting to see that all these months it wasn't about her only. It was also about me and how I dealt with it.
Why was I staying in a relationship when the problems started to show? They were all along the same and the reason why we are not together anymore. I stayed and ( it may sound harsh) wasted some time.
Now that I am all alone ( once again) and after I spent 3 months crying and trying to find a way for her to stay I realised that if I respected myself I would have a nice summer and I would never beg a kiss from her. As plain as that.
Do I still have feelings for her? Sure. Does the fact that when I ask her she tells me she still has feelings and that she wants me in her life, help? No.
Do I want to keep feeling helpless? Hell, no!
See, these days I am trying a new tactic. I am really really trying to put my self first. It's hard.
I see her when I want to see her, I try not to show that I want her ( I did not attempt to kiss her 2 days in a row - yeah!) . Believe me, it's not easy. And she knows it.
She wants to introduce me to guys..ok that hurts...
Anyway. You know....
My therapist told me yesterday " I think it will be good if you start deciding what you want".
She is right. I have no idea what I want. To be honest in the back of my mind I have some pictures that I'd like to be a part of.
1. Be in a happy, warm and fulfilling relationship. And be in love! ( and that person ideally would love me back - oh and will want to have sex with me).
2. Travel a lot - maybe take a gap year. in my 30s....God..

So these pictures look easy to do right? Well , yes except one thing : Man or a woman?
I am telling you....I haven't the faintest idea.

P.S She says that she will be happy, when she sees me with a guy cause she "loves me, more than her". Yeah, right.

Imagine

I never ever expected that this beautiful creature that came into my life, last summer, would cause me now, such pain.
I don't know whether it's her fault or me being too sensitive. But it's like, last year never happened. The moments in bed making love, listening to music, looking each other in the eyes....did all this happen?
You know, I am trying to get better. To leave her out my life. She is still here. She tries to be care-free when she talks to me. On the other hand, I am trying to see her side. She says it's hard for her too. But that doesn't stop me from getting angry from some of her sms. Last night she sent "Now that you are gone, I will have to get a pet". I was so mad at her. It wasn't my choice to leave. She made me leave, by her not responding sexually. Having said nothing, I am sure we would still be together. As what? Probably as an "imaginary couple". Who am I kidding...?

So now, you might wonder "why are you still unhappy since you know that this wasn't going anywhere?". Well, I miss having a partner.

I was just thinking. I am not in the mood of doing anything with anyone. Not that I like someone. I am not even sure whether I like men or women. Plus she is still around ( are 3 months after a 9 month relationship, the normal amount of time you need to forget?).
But I only thought. I would be -that will be a miracle- with a guy if he was nothing like the usual I know, if he was serious but with a sense of humor, sensitive but powerful, cute but "manly", clever but not "smart ass".
I then would be with a woman, if she was something out of this world i.e Angelina Jolie ( ok laugh lol).
Anyway...as you can see, I am still in a still mood...

Still Life

This is the summer of hell. Although I meet my friends, do thinks, have a good time at the beach every week still....she is around!
How did things end up like that? Why does she insist on us being friends after breaking up?
Doesn't she get it? Well she is no stupid. Of course her point of view is that when two women with no previous similar experiences, break up, it's only natural to go on and become friends.
I won't argue. But for me apparently, this isn't working. It's been almost 3 months since telling her to break up and I still have intense feelings. This must mean something.
Anyway, last night there was this huge row. I ended up yelling at her. And today I don't want to talk to her for a long long time.
Why is this happening to me? Don't I deserve to be happy?
My therapist two days ago asked me, what would make me happy.
I don't have the slightest idea.
I told her I am not happy in my country, I feel as there is no challenge. Which is true.
All is the same and honestly I don't have the strenght to find new people with interests as to find something stimulating.
And she turned and said "Why don't you leave then? 30 is not too late".
Was she serious?
This must mean something...

Journeys

The days are passing by quietly. I 've been working long hours and I haven't been out much.
I feel numb. Yesterday I have started to think of making a big trip in August. Alone. It's a big step and I am thinking about it. But my therapist and my closest friend insist it will do my good. I hope. So this is a work in process.
The other thing is, I am thinking about the people who are in my life. My friends. I am not happy. I do not look forward to spend time with them. I feel bored. I need people to have a deeper connection, people that are "colourful". Yes, this is the word.
The truth is, I know that the people around me reflect my current state. So I haven't been really well the last years. Well, the last 10 years. Sad, isn't it? I haven't been happy for a long time.
So my task is to find a way to be around people that will inspire me. And I know that I can offer a lot to them. I am tired of people with no happiness in life. And most of my friends are like this...the closest ones.

The other thing. Last night she came to my place, after 3 weeks that I did not see her. She was a mess. Her grandma was at the hospital, very ill. She couldn't sleep. She came in, kissed me on the cheek ( ok I know I shouldn't interpret the slightest detail), and then went to bed! I did not expect that. She acted like it was normal. I did not invite her to sleep. But she did. Why? No idea.
I went, we slept ( only) and during the night I woke up and she was hugging me, taking care of me, covering me with the sheets. I am sure this is love. What kind of? That I do not know.
And she kept saying " This house needs me"....as in , in my daily life.
I woke up today, I did not comment on any of the things she said. I cannot go through this again. Whatever will be will be.
And later she sent me an sms : my grandma died.
I felt sorry. But at least I know, it did her good sleeping there.
I am tired...

Closure?

Right after I wrote the previous post, last night, she called me.
We talked for about an hour. She said that she wants ot be in my life, but as friend.
She knew that this story would have a bad ending and her being straight was another reason why things weren't working out. You know....I can see where she is coming from. I understand her.
I yelled at her tough. I was so angry that summer is here and I feel lonely and missing her the whole time. But to tell you the truth, I never imagined myself being with a woman for the rest of my life. I want something that will give me peace and serenity. And living a small country, in a close-minded community means that this someone, cannot be a same sex partner.
With her I felt like I had a partner. Strange feeling for me. But I guess I was ready for a relationship. And she came into my life and became that person that I wanted to share things. But the bad thing was that she was a woman...
Bad luck.

I hope last night's talk was the closure of a very hurtful period.
No one deserves this much unhappiness. I cannt handle it anymore.
I want love that will last.